This is Home
by R0cketScient1st
Summary: Dr. Jennifer Keller never really wanted to go to Atlantis in the first place, but she's begun to realize just what a special place it is. As with most of my writing, this doesn't have much action but rather explores the background and development of Jennifer's character. Eventual Keller/Lorne, if I ever finish it.
1. How did I get here?

_**A/N: **__This is a story I wrote quite a while ago, and as a result the first couple chapters aren't great. I've done what I can to revise it, but I do think it gets better as it goes. Could just be my own opinion, though. I decided to upload it anyway, because I've put a lot of work into it. I've wanted to write a Keller fic for a long time because she has so little background; I love working with blank-slate characters. Also, I apologize for anything non-canon that may have slipped in here when I wasn't looking...call it AU if it makes you feel better. I myself an not a Keller/Lorne shipper, but because my sister is I have dedicated this to her. :)_

_**HOW DID I GET HERE?**_

Poor man. He'd knocked himself out.

By running into a stun bubble

Jennifer Keller shook her head and smiled ruefully as she looked over Major Evan Lorne's vitals with a flashlight.

Poor, silly man.

Over the past two years, since Jennifer became the chief medical officer of the Atlantis base, Major Lorne had somehow managed to end up in the infirmary twelve more times than even Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, the runner-up on the "most trips to the infirmary" list. Why Jennifer felt the need to keep a running tally of how often certain individuals needed her attention still escaped her, but she did like lists. The problem was, while Colonel Sheppard's injuries usually resulted from close combat and enemy encounters, Major Lorne usually ended up here for this sort of thing: running into force fields, tripping down the stairs, even choking on jello in the cafeteria once. Jennifer smiled when she remembered that. Colonel Sheppard hadn't let him live that one down for months.

All of a sudden the lights came on. She could hear her staff murmuring questions about whether that was a good sign or not. Screaming klaxons informed her that the self-destruct was still armed. Jennifer glanced at Major Lorne's medical monitor now that it was working again, satisfied that there was nothing wrong with him. He'd been hit with an electromagnetic pulse, effectively neutralizing his neurotransmitters' ability to communicate with adjoining cells. Had the pulse been any stronger, perhaps she would have had to worry about effects on his vital systems, but as it was it only seemed to affect the parts of the brain involving motor systems. Jennifer stuck an IV in his arm anyway. She'd give him something to make his return to consciousness a little less unpleasant than it had to be.

The power had been out for several hours now. Jennifer had been busy helping her patients as best she could with that low-tech flashlight, but it was slow-going at best. In the meantime, she had been trying to catch wind of what was causing all this. When Lieutenant Richards and Second Lieutenant Carlson had brought Major Lorne to the infirmary twenty minutes ago, they had hastily tried to explain what they knew. Michael, Atlantis' arch-enemy, the wraith-human hybrid, had somehow taken over the control tower and turned off power to the rest of the city. He had also captured Teyla and her baby, Torren. Major Lorne's team had been trying to access the control tower when he ran into the force field that surrounded and protected the control tower. Sometime since, Michael had found a way to arm the self-destruct. Jennifer wondered how much time they had. She was desperately trying not to panic, but keeping calm when her life was in danger wasn't something she was particularly good at. Unfortunately.

She took a deep breath. The power was back, and that was good; it meant Colonel Sheppard and Doctors Rodney McKay and Radek Zelenka were getting through Michael's defenses. She hoped. The loud clanging reminding her over and over that the city was about to explode beneath her didn't instill much confidence. She found herself wondering where Ronon Dex and Richard Woolsey, the political leader of the Atlantis expedition, were. She hadn't heard a word about them since…no. Jennifer was not going to let herself worry about things she couldn't change.

Jennifer's attention returned to the present at Major Lorne's soft groan. She quickly approached his bed. "Major?"

He looked around with unfocused eyes, wincing at the lights now shining on his face. He looked like he probably had a headache the likes of which only disrupted neural functions could give. He sort of looked at her, still not seeing clearly. At least the medicine should be helping his nausea.

"Doc….what happened? I was on the stairs…Michael. Teyla!"

His vision seemed to clear as adrenaline flooded through his veins and he struggled to get up. Jennifer would have none of that.

"Major, you are in no shape to do anything right now. Please just lie back down until you're fully recovered. It shouldn't take too much longer, if you can just be patient."

He cooperated, with a resigned, "Yes, ma'am."

"Look, Colonel Sheppard's team already has the power back, and from what I can tell they're probably pretty close to taking out Michael's hybrids." She hoped he couldn't tell she was lying through her teeth. She had absolutely no idea where Colonel Sheppard's team was, if they were even still alive.

"I should be out there, helping them…" He trailed off, clearly aware that he wouldn't be much help for a while yet. He certainly didn't look that great. Then he pursed his lips. "Is that the self-destruct? When did that come on?"

"Um," Jennifer didn't want him to worry him needlessly, but he had a way of making people feel guilty when they didn't tell the truth. "Yeah, it's the self-destruct. It came on six or seven minutes ago."

"How long is it set for?"

"I don't know. Probably not much longer."

The alarm stopped.

"See? I told you Colonel Sheppard would handle it," Jennifer forced what she hoped was a reassuring smile and squeezed the major's shoulder. "I bet any minute now someone will tell us that all the hybrids are dead and Teyla's safe."

"I sure hope so," he said, half-worriedly, as he closed his eyes again. "If anything happens to Teyla…" Again he trailed off. Jennifer knew what he meant though, "If anything happens to Teyla _I'll blame myself_. If anything happens to Teyla _life will have lost a little happiness._" Jennifer knew Major Lorne had a soft spot for Teyla. He hid it well, but Jennifer's job was understanding people beyond what they could tell her with words. She thought it was cute, especially the way he always pronounced her name "Tee-la" versus everyone else's "Tay-la." It was cute, but Jennifer also found it a little sad. She hated admitting it to herself, but ever since her second week on Atlantis, she had been captivated by this charming man.

She knew she was being silly; he was no knight in shining armor destined to ride in on a pure white horse and save the day, but she daydreamed anyway. She couldn't help it. Yet, deep down she truly wanted him to be happy, and that's why she never said a word to him. As long as he had eyes for someone else, she simply wouldn't cross that line. End of story.

o~0~o

_Jennifer had been on Atlantis for two years. She had arrived on the Daedalus when it brought supplies and personnel to this base in the Pegasus Galaxy. She had been overwhelmed. Nothing like this had entered even her wildest dreams; a home-schooled smarty-pants who had skipped several grades but had never left Wisconsin until now. Even for medical school she had chosen to attend the University of Wisconsin, a mere three hour drive from her family's farm. Now she was hundreds, thousands of light years away. _

_It happened after she graduated med schooll; as usual, she had come out at the top of her class and graduated with honors and the promise of a good career. She wanted to be a small-town family doctor, treating knee scrapes and ankle sprains and the occasional tractor accident. Ever since her mother died, that had been her dream. That had been such a silly accident. Her mother had gone out to feed the horses, but something had spooked their young buckskin and he'd kicked her in the sternum. She shouldn't have died. Jennifer still felt pain when she thought about it. If only she and her father had known what to do! But they'd arrived only moments before Alicia Keller breathed her last. Now after nearly a decade of intense study Jennifer knew exactly what she could have, should have done. She'd stopped beating herself up about it years ago, but she'd vowed to make amends by keeping that from happening to anyone ever again. But she'd been too smart. She'd been out of med school barely two years when she got a call from the Air Force, of all people, offering her a job. _

_Not intending to take the job, she thought she may as well talk to them. When she was ushered into a back room and required to sign several nondisclosure agreements and given a top-level security clearance contract, though, she started worrying._

"_What have I gotten myself into?" She wondered as a thin balding man came in and shut the door behind him. It was just the two of them in the room now. Jennifer stood and nervously awaited the man's pronouncement. He smiled warmly and held out his hand._

"_General Miles Smith, pleasure to meet you Dr. Keller."_

_She shook his hand and murmured a response._

"_We have been monitoring the graduates of the nation's top medical schools for some time now, looking for someone such as yourself who is both very bright and very trustworthy. What I'm about to tell you cannot leave this room, understood?"_

_Speechless, Jennifer nodded._

"_Good. This is going to come as a shock to you, but for the past ten years the Air Force has been in possession of a device, called a "Stargate," that creates a stable wormhole to allow almost instantaneous transport to any other Stargate in the galaxy, of which there are many. I don't pretend to understand the science behind it—never was that intelligent myself—but I do know it works. I myself have been off-world six times."_

_General Smith was right. Jennifer was shocked. Dumbfounded was, perhaps, a better word. She couldn't believe what she was hearing, but she didn't think the man was teasing her or anything. Then again, Jennifer had a problem with gullibility._

_The general continued, "About three years ago, a mission revealed the location of the lost city of Atlantis. It is on a planet in the Pegasus galaxy, which is who-knows-how-many light years away. Whatever the case, long story short, we sent a team, set up a base, and now have a running operation of several hundred people. The medical staff has been overtaxed, and we've been looking for someone to add to the team for the past year. We weren't finding any promising candidates, and then you came along."_

_Jennifer just stared blankly._

"_Obviously you'll want to think about it, but we need a decision by a week from today." _

_He ushered her out. She was in a daze as she drove home. On a whim, she took a left instead of a right when she got into town and ended up at the family farm instead of her apartment. Her dad had kept the farm running the same as always after his wife died, insisting, "It's what Alicia would want." Jennifer suspected he was right, but he was getting older and Jennifer worried about him._

_When she knocked on the door instead of going right in, her dad could tell something was wrong._

"_Hey, Jenn, what's up? Is everything all right?"_

_Jennifer had never been good at keeping secrets, and she knew her dad was the most trustworthy person on the planet. _

_So she told him everything. _

_He was equally shocked._

"_You're kidding me. Wow, what an honor. A horrifying prospect, but still, Jenn, they want YOU! Can you believe it?"_

_Jennifer laughed, "No, I really can't." Then, guiltily, she added, "You know you're not supposed to know this, right?"_

_He squeezed his daughter's hand and said, "I know, Hon. I won't breathe a word. Who'd I tell anyway?"_

_He had a point. He barely ever went into town, and the only person he every really talked to other than her was Jimmy Peters, the young black man they had hired to help with the farm after her mother's death. He was the sweetest guy Jennifer knew, but he wouldn't believe a word of the Atlantis story._

"_I knew I could trust you." Jennifer winked at her dad._

_They had grown close since that tragic day. Jennifer had been twelve, and smart enough to finish her schooling on her own for the next three years while her dad and Jimmy looked after the farm._

"_I want to go, but I'll miss you, and this farm, so much."_

_He smiled. "I'll miss you too, but this is the sort of thing you don't turn down. It's the chance of a lifetime, and then some."_

"_Yeah, I know, but…you know how I am with outdoors-y stuff and creepy aliens. Farming is one thing, having to live off the land and fight off scary monsters is quite another entirely."_

_Her dad looked at her seriously, "Jenn, I know you can be squeamish, I know you're easily scared, but that doesn't make you any less valuable as a doctor or as a person. I have utter confidence in your ability to handle yourself in any situation, and it could be a good learning experience. Just remember I'm waiting here for you when you come back and the good Lord is always looking out for you. Even in the Pegasus galaxy."_

_She grinned at him. "Thanks Dad. That's why I love you so much." She gave him a squeeze._

"_I love you too, Jennifer Eden Keller," he responded, hugging her back._


	2. Where am I going?

_**2. WHERE AM I GOING?**_

Jennifer had finished clearing up the infirmary as she reminisced and was starting to realize how exhausted she was. The city had quieted down. Colonel Sheppard's team had successfully killed the hybrids, and Teyla herself had sent Michael plummeting to his death off the Control Tower. Major Lorne would be proud of her.

As soon as everything was done and she had assured herself everyone was safe, Jennifer locked herself in her room to have a good cry. This often happened when she thought about her dad and after particularly stressful days. She missed him so horribly much. She knew he worried, since technically he was supposed to have no idea where she was and nobody kept him informed about her exploits. She wondered if he even suspected how close she'd come to getting killed. Several times. Life on Atlantis certainly wasn't all fun and games, though she couldn't have asked for a better group of people to share it with. It had taken her awhile to feel like she fit in, but now the bond she shared with the rest of the base personnel was so deep she couldn't imagine it any other way. The feeling of closeness, of family, was wonderful. It was the first time in her life Jennifer felt like she fit in. She wasn't the know-it-all outcast anymore. If anything, she wasn't even one of the smartest ones on the base. That was a new experience. She'd never really _felt_ particularly intelligent, but year after year of professors commending her on her outstanding performance in their classes at least convinced her that she could do well in a classroom. She never liked school all that much, though. This work, here, on Atlantis, was the best job in the world. Er, universe, that is. She smiled to herself, despite her tears. They had always made her feel so included. Even the day she arrived, the welcomed her with open arms.

o~0~o

"_This is it. There's no turning back now," Jennifer whispered as she boarded the plane that would take her to the Daedalus launch platform. She had kissed her dad goodbye, hugged her dog one last time, and taken a parting trail ride on her favorite horse. All her things were packed. She was only allowed one large suitcase, considering the size of the quarters she would be receiving. The pilot refused to tell her where exactly they were going, which Jennifer figured was some security protocol. When they landed, he still wouldn't tell, so Jennifer tried to figure it out on her own. It was obviously somewhere in the western half of the US. The distant mountains and scrubby desert plants made that much obvious. She couldn't tell beyond that, though. _

_Then, suddenly, there it was: The _Daedalus_._

"_It's huge!" She gasped._

_Jennifer gripped her suitcase tightly, hoping to find some comfort in the familiar object while trying to block out some of the hugeness of the unfamiliarity around her. It didn't work. She stood, holding her suitcase tightly, staring at the giant spaceship, trying not to start shaking uncontrollably. As it was, a little tremor escaped. A young man approached her._

"_You must be Dr. Keller?"_

_She wet her lips, trying to get words out of her mouth that didn't make her sound like what she was: terrified._

"_Y-yes, that's me. I'm Dr. Keller."_

_"Good. I'm Sergeant Pulaski. If you would come with me?"_

_He started walking in a crisp, brisk military stride. Jennifer forced her knees to stop knocking. It was making her look like a fool. She hurried to catch up._

_Sergeant Pulaski had a slight Russian accent, and was trying to tell her things about the journey to the Pegasus galaxy. Jennifer caught up just in time to hear, _"…_but you won't need to worry about that. All your needs will be taken care of on the trip, and when you get there plenty of people will be ready to help you out."_

_Jennifer tried to pretend she'd been listening all along._

"_How long will the trip take?"_

_Pulaski looked at her strangely and Jennifer realized that was probably one of the first things he'd told her._

_He answered anyway, "Three weeks, give or take. Plenty of time to get to know some of your new colleagues. There are five other new personnel travelling with you: a botanist, two Marines, and a nurse. The nurse will be directly reporting to you, so it would be a good idea to get to know her well."_

_Pulaski grinned, a big happy grin, showing his perfect white teeth. "You'll have fun. The nurse, she's a pretty one. You'll like her."_

_Jennifer gave him a sidelong glance, not voicing her question about why she should care whether her nurses were pretty. They had reached the entrance to the ship. Jennifer took one last look at the desert. Home. Planet Earth. Then she walked up the ramp into the belly of the beast that would be her home for the next few weeks. A bald, kind-looking man greeted Dr. Keller as she entered._

_"Welcome to the Daedalus. I'm Colonel Stephen Caldwell, captain of the ship."_

_Jennifer smiled, relieved that at least people were making an effort to be friendly. "Nice to meet you. Jennifer Keller, new assistant medical officer."  
"This is your first time off-world?"  
"Oh, yes. Heck, I hadn't even heard the term "going off-world" until two weeks ago."  
Colonel Caldwell chuckled sympathetically. "Things change fast when you're dealing with civilizations across thousands of light years. You'd better get used to it."  
"Yes, sir. So I gather."  
"Lieutenant Franklin, show the young lady to her quarters."  
_"_Yes sir," a young man approached and took her suitcase. "Come with me, please."_

_She was led deep into the bowels of the ship, looking around in wonder the whole time. She still couldn't believe this was happening to her, much less comprehend it all._

_The room that was to be hers was very small. It had a bed, a dresser, a toilet and not much room for anything else. The young lieutenant left her to settle in, after showing her how to use the intercom system and pointing her to the cafeteria and recreation area. Jennifer was initially excited by the words"recreation area," but it turned out the military's idea of recreation was sitting at large tables talking or playing poker. There were a fair number of people doing just that, mostly military from what Jennifer could tell. The scientists were apparently working on something or other. Doctors didn't have a whole lot to work on, which, though boring, was probably a good thing. Jennifer returned to her room and unpacked her suitcase. After she finished putting all of her clothes into the dresser, a voice came over the PA system inviting the newcomers to the bridge to watch take-off._

_Jennifer hurriedly finished emptying her suitcase and entered the narrow corridor that snaked away in both directions.  
"Hm, bridge. That would be, that way, right?" She muttered to herself, glancing down both directions, unsure of which way to turn. At that moment a little Japanese woman came around the corner._

"_Excuse me, which way to the bridge?" Jennifer asked, hoping the woman was as confident about where she was going as she appeared to be._

"_Oh, excuse me miss. I am not sure. I am hope to find it down here, now are not so certain," the woman explained in broken English. "I am Noriko Matsumoto, new nurse."_

_She took Jennifer's hand in both of hers and respectfully bowed her head._

"_Uh, I'm, Jennifer. Jennifer Keller. I'm the new doctor. It's nice to meet you, Noriko."_

_She could see why Pulaski liked her._

_Noriko grinned brightly. "You are my boss, then, no? I will make good nurse. You have my word."_

_She sounded so serious and earnest that it was all Jennifer could do not to laugh. Instead, she just smiled back and replied, "I believe it. So, this way to the bridge?"_

_They never found the bridge, but they did end up getting lunch together in the cafeteria. One of the new Marines joined them and introduced himself as John. Just John. He didn't give a rank, or a last name, or anything. He also didn't talk much. Jennifer decided he must be painfully shy. He was a nice fellow, though and easy to get along with. He just never said anything._

_The next few weeks went much faster than Jennifer anticipated. She did get to know Noriko well, per Pulaski's instructions, and she met most of the crew. The botanist was also nice, but Jennifer could never remember his name. Paul or Pete or Pat or something like that. She wasn't very good with names. When she finally figured out where the bridge was, she spent as much time there as she was allowed to. It was quiet and it had windows. Someone had tried to explain what it meant to be in "hyperspace," but Jennifer didn't have a head for physics and only partly understood. It was pretty to watch, though, and it gave her time to think. And think she did. She mulled over the events since she got the first call and tried to make sense of it all._

"_What do you have planned for me, God?" She asked almost every day. So far, He was still hiding the answer. She prayed for patience instead. And protection. It was no secret to anyone she was still scared stiff. A lot more scared than anyone else, she knew. The unknown and the potential of evil aliens was about the scariest combination she could think up, and she was stuck in the middle of it. There were daily training sessions during which various people, from technicians to military to scientists, did their best to summarize the situation in the Pegasus galaxy and what they should expect._

_Jennifer had nightmares about the Wraith almost every night._

_This was not going to be easy._

_One day she was awakened from an afternoon nap by a sudden jolt. She jumped out of bed and burst out of her room._

"_What's going on?" She asked no one in particular.  
The PA came on: "Attention _Daedalus_, we have just dropped out of hyperspace. Welcome to Atlantis."_

_There was audible cheering throughout the ship, to which Jennifer added her voice. She was ready to be on solid ground again._

_Much to her dismay, when she looked out the window, she saw that Atlantis was in fact the only land that could be seen. She'd known it was an island city, but she thought maybe in a lake or a small sea. This…well, she'd gotten this far. She decided to let herself be a little excited._

"_Would everyone please prepare to beam down to the planet's surface."_

_Okay, she was excited. She went to the designated area, where the others were already waiting. They had had devices—what were they called?—subcutaneous transmitters—implanted on the voyage, which allowed them to be beamed in and out of any location. Jennifer wondered what it would feel like to be beamed. She hadn't thought it was even possible, but somehow someone had figured out how._

_Colonel Caldwell came to bid them farewell and assure them that they would enjoy their new life on Atlantis. Jennifer sure hoped he was right._

"_Ready for beaming?" The technician asked._

_They all nodded, and Noriko squeezed Jennifer's hand, as much for Jennifer's sake as for her own._

_Jennifer felt a slight tingly sort of feeling, but it was not unpleasant, and suddenly she was standing in a large room surrounded by people. Jennifer took in as much as she could. There were stairs leading both up and down, a huge ring of some sort behind them, an observation room of some sort…then she stopped looking around. A dark-haired middle-aged woman wearing a bright red jacket was striding toward them. "I'm Doctor Elizabeth Weir. Welcome to Atlantis."_


	3. Whom can I trust?

_**3. WHOM CAN I TRUST?**_

Jennifer opened her eyes to look at the time. With a start she noticed it was late in the evening. She must have fallen asleep sometime while she was lying on her couch, thinking.

She shook her head, trying to clear the cobwebs that always formed in her brain when she fell asleep in an unusual place. The stress of the past day must have tired her out even more than she had realized. Well, the stress and the sparring session that morning with Ronon. Jennifer smiled. Oh, Ronon. He really thought he could turn her into a fighter. And, maybe he could, in skill at least, but she knew in her heart she never would be. She was a healer; even the Wraith drew her pity when they had to be killed.

Jennifer wondered if anyone would still be up, and more importantly, if there would be any food left in the cafeteria. She was starving. Pulling on her yellow-shouldered jacket that marked her as a doctor, she made her way to the nearest transporter and touched the light corresponding to the cafeteria.

When she got to the large room, she was surprised to see it still fairly busy. She could see Colonel Sheppard and his team had found a table out on the balcony. She found a suitable snack: a banana and a granola bar, and made her way through the cafeteria to the balcony. She passed several tables of people on the way, a couple of people just by themselves, several in pairs talking quietly, and three or four larger groups. Jennifer noticed that Major Lorne was in one of the larger groups; it looked like he was with his team. They were chuckling quietly about something. Always so quiet and polite, that team. Jennifer was glad to see they had all recovered sufficiently from the minor injuries they'd sustained early that day.

Jennifer weaved between the tables to get to Colonel Sheppard and his team were sitting. They saw her coming and smiled invitingly.

"Hi guys."

Rodney pulled out a chair for her, and she thanked him. She was surprised to see Ronon was with them.

"Ronon. I thought you were pretty badly hurt fighting Michael. Should you be up and around yet?"

"I can't stay in bed that long. I was bored," he informed her in his often intimidatingly gravelly voice.

Colonel Sheppard smirked and leaned his head closer to her, saying, "Jennifer, Ronon is ALWAYS fine."

Jennifer laughed softly. Truer words were never spoken. The tall, burly man just couldn't admit there was even the slightest chance he might not be indestructible.

"Well, so long as you don't push yourself too hard. No sparring for at least another day," she warned, teasingly.

"Yeah, okay." He agreed. He and Rodney both smiled at her.

"And where's Teyla?"

"After all that happened today, she and baby Torren decided to turn in early tonight," Colonel Sheppard explained.

"Oh, good idea. I'm sure she's exhausted. Is it true Torren slept through the whole thing?"

"Didn't make a sound," Ronon gruffed.

He and Rodney smiled at her again.

Jennifer squirmed uncomfortably in her chair. She knew Rodney and Ronon both wanted to date her, and, truth be told, she didn't really like either of them all that much. Not in that way. They were both adorably sweet, true, but they were each difficult in their own ways. Come to think of it, basically everyone on Atlantis, herself included, was difficult in some way. There was probably a certain amount of inherent stubbornness that was necessary for an assignment like this.

o~0~o

_Jennifer's first week in Atlantis had been nothing short of exhausting. There was always plenty to do and the work certainly wasn't easy. When the lives of a galaxy hang in the balance, everything is a bit more stressful than it would be otherwise. Fortunately, the kind-hearted Dr. Carson Beckett had taken her under his wing from the moment she set foot in the infirmary._

"_Ah, good day, lass. You must be Dr. Jennifer Keller? I'm Carson Beckett, head of medicine here on Atlantis."_

_She adored the Scottish man immediately. Listening to that accent every day would be quite enjoyable._

_Shaking his hand, she returned the pleasantries, "Hi. Yes, I'm Jennifer. It's nice to meet you, Dr. Beckett."  
"Please, call me Carson."_

"_Okay."_

_He became a mentor for her, teaching her all the intricacies of the medicines and equipment they used on Atlantis that were different from those she'd learned in medical school. Jennifer was astounded by the progress that had been made by the Atlantis team over their three year occupation of the city. Gradually her fear and dread lessened as she began to feel more at home. Home. That thought pained her a little less now than it had at the beginning, but it still hurt. The first week in Atlantis was dreadful. Jennifer was more homesick than she could even imagine being. But somehow, she made it. The sadness started to lessen by the end of the first week, and she and Noriko were fitting into the medical staff almost seamlessly._

_Jennifer got to perform her first major procedure the sixth day she was in Atlantis. She was assisting Carson in an appendectomy. One of the astrobiologists had taken ill the night before, and when it didn't improve he stopped in the infirmary the next morning. Jennifer watched in admiration as Carson took one look at the man and made an immediate diagnosis._

"_Wash up, love. You're my assistant for this one," he said gently but firmly in his Scottish brogue as he started following his own orders._

"_Um, me? Um, okay." She didn't bother explaining this was her first real surgery outside of med school. To say Jennifer was nervous was like saying an atom is small._

_Jennifer began washing up mechanically, though, as muscle memory took over. Carson was giving orders to Jennifer and one other young lady who was helping. Carson performed the operation quickly and cleanly and had the patient sutured and recovering almost before Jennifer could blink. For the first time in her life, Jennifer knew she was working with someone who was a much better doctor and probably a lot smarter than she was. She just looked at him with awe._

"_First time?" He asked as he took off his gloves and mask._

_Jennifer nodded. "Yeah, how'd you guess?"_

"_You were shaking like a leaf, Jennifer. I know you record well enough to know you're not like that normally."_

"…_oh." Jennifer couldn't help feeling a tad embarrassed._

_"But don't worry. You'll get used to it, and you're a right fine doctor from what I can tell. You'll do very well."_

_Jennifer beamed at the compliment and mumbled, "Thanks," trying not to be too embarrassed._

"_Now, would you help me with the paperwork?"_

_"Uh, paperwork?" She groaned. "Yes, of course. I'll help you with the paperwork."_

_"Lovely. Thank you."_

_Carson made Jennifer feel so welcome at Atlantis that she even started enjoying herself. She hadn't made any friends outside the medical staff, but she at least knew who a lot of people were._

_Elizabeth Weir, the lady who had first met them, she knew was the leader, and a good one too. She worked too hard, though, and Jennifer had to give her sleeping pills sometimes._

_Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard was the head of the military operations. He was an interesting fellow. He acted aloof and full of himself, but Jennifer could tell he was one of the more insecure people in the expedition. Jennifer suspected he struggled with depression, but she'd never dare ask him. He also ended up in the infirmary a lot. He was always getting tangled up in some dire off-world situation. Fortunately, Carson usually accompanied his team to assist as soon as possible when things happened._

_Doctor Rodney McKay was a physicist. And very annoying. He came to the infirmary every time he got a splinter, every time he sneezed, practically for everything. He also had an ego the size of a small moon. But he also happened to be a genius, which is why he also was assigned to Colonel Sheppard's team._

_Ronon was also kind of annoying, but in a cute, likable way. He was an alien, but a human, fortunately. He hurt himself a lot sparring, but he came to the infirmary only when forced. Jennifer was convinced the man actually believed himself to be indestructible._

_Doctor Radek Zelenka. Oh dear. Radek Zelenka. Jennifer usually made Carson take over when Radek came in. He was a sweet man, also a scientist, with a fun Czech accent, but he worried Jennifer a little. His social skills were somewhat underdeveloped. He didn't come into the infirmary often, but whenever he did he smiled an absentminded smile at Jennifer and said something like, "Your hair smells nice today." It was weird._

_Teyla, Jennifer really liked. She never got hurt though and was never in the infirmary. She was also a human alien. Teyla was one of the nicest women Jennifer had ever met, and so self-controlled. Jennifer admired her more than anyone else on Atlantis._

_The list went on, but Jennifer had a hard enough time with names that anyone who didn't make regular trips to the infirmary or stand out in some particular way didn't stick in Jennifer's head well._

_The weirdest things happened out in the Pegasus galaxy. There was always some alien parasite or rare radiation or some such thing sending people to the infirmary. Once Jennifer got her feet under her, though, she realized she was actually feeling like she belonged._

_Jennifer was very glad she had chosen to come to Atlantis._

_**A/N:** I have several more already-completed chapters that I will upload, but they all require quite a bit of revision so it might take a bit of time. I promise the actual story will begin before too much longer. :) If you've gotten this far in the story, thanks for your patience!_


	4. What should I do?

_**4. WHAT SHOULD I DO?**_

Jennifer stayed up late talking to Ronon, Rodney, and Colonel Sheppard. Mr. Woolsey came by to bid them good night and thank them for saving Atlantis yet again. They smiled at him and then at each other, a knowing smile, reflecting the bond that is built only after years of working together to protect others' lives. They were a family, now, not just coworkers. Jennifer was proud and pleased to be part of it. It hadn't always been this way. It had taken her a long time to start talking to Colonel Sheppard's team, but once she did she was enveloped with kindness and caring. She hoped they knew how much she appreciated all they'd done for her.

Finally, Rodney started yawning. Colonel Sheppard followed suite. Ronon never yawned. Ever. He didn't that evening, either.

"Well, I think I'm gonna hit the sack," Colonel Sheppard said, stretching his tired muscles.

"Yeah, I think I'll do the same," Rodney replied.

The two of them got up, wished Ronon and Jennifer good night, and went their separate ways. Jennifer looked at Ronon. He was just staring at her.

"Uh, Ronon?"

"Yeah."

"Why are you looking at me?"

"Cuz you're pretty."

Jennifer smiled and looked down, embarrassed.

"Uh, thanks," she responded, and meant it.

"Welcome. I'm going to bed. Want me to walk you back to your room first? It's kinda late."

Jennifer felt her face turning red with embarrassment. Did _everyone_ know she was afraid of the dark?

"No, thanks. I'll be fine." She smiled and hoped she sounded convincing enough.

"Okay. Whatever you want. Night." He got up and left.

Jennifer shook her head as she watched him trundle off. He certainly had a way with words.

The cafeteria was all but empty now. There were a couple scientists still up working on their computers, but everyone else had gone to bed. Jennifer realized it must be quite late. No wonder she was so tired, despite her long nap. The idea of bed seemed more and more welcoming every step she took.

As she wandered the empty cafeteria, she looked around at the beautiful city. She still couldn't believe it was thousands of years old. Everything looked as though it could have been built yesterday. Her eyes traveled up the wall to the soaring ceiling high overhead. As it always did, looking up the great height made her heart jump into her throat, but it was a thrilling feeling. Before going to bed, Jennifer decided to take one last look out over the balcony.

Leaning over the balcony, feeling the ocean breeze, smelling the open water, seeing the beautiful city lights, it was just as wonderful as it always was. Jennifer breathed deeply, sighing with contentment. She loved Atlantis.

Some lingering stress must have been hiding within her, because even though she was tired, Jennifer felt that she wouldn't be able to sleep all that well. Also, she guiltily admitted to herself, it was days like these that - even after two years - still gave her nightmares about her second week in Atlantis.

o~0~o

"_A holiday?"_

"_Yes, Jennifer, a holiday! A whole day off to do whatever we want. Would you like to go fishing with me? I don't know if Rodney will be able to make it."_

"_Um, fishing?"_

_"Yes, Jennifer, fishing. Are you losing your hearing, or are you being intentionally dense?" Carson chuckled as he teased her._

_She laughed too. "Sorry, it just took me by surprise. I'm not a big fishing fan, personally. I went a couple times with my dad and discovered I felt too bad for the bait and the fish. I couldn't handle it. Sorry."_

_Carson, though clearly disappointed, said, "Ah, well then, that's all right. I'll find someone to go with me."_

"_I hope you do."_

_Though fishing was out of the question, Jennifer was uncertain what to do with her day off. Doctor Cole was going to be in the infirmary in case of an emergency, which meant Jennifer really truly had nothing to do._

"_Well, it's a perfect day for exploring, then," she decided. So, explore she did. She wandered through every hallway she could find that she hadn't already been through. Every once in a while she encountered other expedition members, but for the most part they were all in their quarters relaxing or doing something fun. Radek had tried to interest her in a chess marathon, but she'd always hated chess. Not to mention the fact that spending eight hours with Radek sounded like pure torture._

_She exchanged greetings with those she passed, but none looked like they wanted to stop and chat, so she kept wandering. At one point she crossed a hallway that opened up to a balcony overlooking the western arm of the city. A young man was painting the view and doing a remarkable job of it. In another room, she found some gorgeous flowers._

"_This must be the botany lab," she murmured, reaching out to touch a green-and-gold-striped leaf that reminded her of the Green Bay Packers, and therefore of home._

"_Oh! Be careful! Don't touch that!" A young redheaded lady was rushing over to the table displaying the apparently offending plant._

_Jennifer jumped and quickly drew her hand back. "Why? What would it do to me?" She had heard plenty of horror stories about rogue alien foliage._

"_Nothing terrible. It's the Pegasus Galaxy's version of poison ivy. It's remarkably beautiful though."_

_The woman, who was clearly some sort of botanist, started crooning to the plant as if it were a small child._

_Jennifer stared at her for a moment, wondering if she had somehow managed to forget Jennifer was standing there. Jennifer cleared her throat."Um, I'm Doctor Jennifer Keller. You are...?"_

_"Oh! Sorry. How rude of me. Katie. Katie Brown."_

"_Nice to meet you, Katie."_

"_You too. Are you new here?"_

"_Yeah, I came with the Daedalus last time. About two weeks ago."_

_Katie started moving back into the jungle that was the botany lab, saying, "Well, it's very nice to meet you, Jennifer. I apologize for my rudeness, but I need to get back to work."_

_"Oh, that's fine. My apologies for intruding."_

_As she left, she passed Rodney McKay, who - to Jennifer's great surprise - went right into the botany lab. Jennifer glanced back to be sure she had the right person and room, but it was no mistake. Rodney went into the lab and she could hear him talking to Katie. Now she really had seen everything. Rodney had such bad allergies to everything (or so he claimed), she could not imagine what could possibly have prompted him to go in there. Unless...could he have a crush on Katie? It was unthinkable. She laughed at herself for considering it._

_All of a sudden, Jennifer heard a distant explosion._

"_Oh no, what was that?" She wondered aloud as the doctor in her took over and she ran toward the sound to help any injured. _

_When she finally arrived, she found pure chaos. Debris was everywhere, and several people were badly injured. Carson was already there, shouting orders and rushing a wounded Teyla to the infirmary. Jennifer hurried after him to help however she could. Jennifer was in a daze and the whole rest of the day was a blur. She could sort of remember helping Carson with several patients, including Teyla - who was not as badly injured as it had first appeared._

"_What happened, anyway?" She asked Carson at one point._

"_We're still not sure, love. Please examine these x-rays for me. I need to know if his lung's been punctured. After that give Teyla a shot of morphine…." He gave several more instructions that Jennifer quickly followed._

_Finally, about two hours after it all started, a soldier stopped by the infirmary to check on one of his team members and explained to Jennifer what had happened. Apparently two scientists had unwittingly activated an Ancient lab that had given both of them explosive tumors. One of their tumors had already exploded and it was only a matter of time before the other's did too. Jennifer wasn't sure why the Ancients would build such a thing, but at the moment she didn't much care. _

_They had just taken the second scientist into the operating room._

"_Oh, no," Jennifer breathed. "I have to tell them."_

_Someone already had, apparently, because the whole team of doctors and nurses was filing out of the infirmary in a quick but orderly fashion. Except…_

_"Where are Carson and Noriko? Weren't they in there with you?"_

_One of the nurses looked at her, stricken. "They stayed to finish the operation. We have to get out of here."_

_"No! Carson!" She yelled at the closed door, though she knew it would do no good. "Carson, come out! Noriko! There's nothing you can do! It's too late...please come out!"_

_The rest of the medical staff was moving toward the exit. Frustrated beyond belief and nearly hysterical, she couldn't help but follow._

_She and the medical team waited across the city in agony, listening in on Carson's radio channel. He was giving moment by moment updates of his progress._

"_Making the first incision…"_

_After what felt like hours, Carson finally said, "Colonel Sheppard. I've extracted the tumor ..."_

_Everyone breathed an audible sigh of relief._

"_... and I'm opening up the OR level."_

_That's it. It was over. They just had to wait for the containment team to tie up the loose ends._

_Suddenly, the radio channel erupted with noise followed by static. Jennifer turned toward the lady next to her and they stared at each other, wide-eyed. Everyone in the room knew instinctively what that sound had been. There was no sense trying to deny it, but Jennifer tried anyway._

"_Carson? Carson? Are you there?"_

_Static gave her a mocking reply._

"_Noriko?"_

"_Jennifer," came the breathy, agonized reply. "The tumor...it exploded."_

_So. Jennifer's worst fear was confirmed. Not that she really thought there was a chance of another answer._

"_Are you all right?" She asked softly._

"_I-I think so. I'm still in the OR. But…Carson. Oh, Jennifer. Why didn't he just wait for them to come here!" Jennifer could hear the panic and desperation rising in her voice._

"_It(s okay, Noriko. It'll be all right." Yeah, right, it would. "I'll come find you as soon as they let me."_

_The next hour was a blur for Jennifer. She had a vague impression that some Marines and Airmen had come to let them out of the level they'd been locked on. She was also aware of finding Noriko and trying to console her. Noriko clearly blamed herself, which Jennifer told her was ridiculous, but Jennifer also knew she would feel the same way._

_Noriko, at least, quickly recovered. She was a tough little woman, and never let herself get very close to people. Jennifer suspected Noriko had had a rough childhood and had taught herself how to handle traumatic experiences. In the process, though, she began to shut Jennifer out. She had been Jennifer's only real friend on Atlantis, and now she was putting up a wall so thick that Jennifer had no hope of getting through. In a matter of days Jennifer had lost both her best friend and her hero. It was a stunning blow._

_For many days following the accident, Jennifer shut herself in her room and grieved. This time, she didn't have to bother with worried friends barging in on her to check how she was. When she had lost her mom so many years ago, the friends had annoyed her but her dad had been there grieving right alongside her and they had helped each other through. Now, she was alone, and desperately wishing she were home again She made up her mind to talk to Dr. Weir the first chance she got to ask to be transferred back to Earth. At least there she would be able to talk to her dad. Maybe coming to Atlantis hadn't been such a good idea after all._


	5. Where do I belong?

_**5. WHERE DO I BELONG?**_

"I'm going soft," Jennifer muttered wryly to herself as a tear slipped down her cheek. She hadn't cried twice in one day since, well, since Carson's death. She angrily brushed the tear away, reminding herself that she'd stopped mourning the loss of Noriko and Carson two years ago. It still hurt, though. Even though she had only had a couple weeks to get to know them, something about working with people in another galaxy brought you together more than most other things could. She slowly shook her head, wishing the memories weren't still so vivid and painful. Another tear escaped, which frustrated Jennifer even more. She'd always been a bit of an emotional wreck, but this was ridiculous. She managed to calm herself down just in time to hear a soft noise behind her. Her heart jumped into her throat and she spun around. The cafeteria was empty except for the person making his way toward her. No scary aliens this time. Jennifer bit her lip and tried to slow her racing pulse as she squinted into the dark room to try to make out who it was. "Major Lorne?"

"Yeah, it's me." He came out onto the lighted balcony. "Sorry to scare you. I probably should've said something."

"It's…fine." So, he'd noticed her terror-filled reaction. Too bad. "What are you still doing up?"

He chuckled. "I was going to ask the same about you. I was out cold for a good portion of the day. More sleep is just about the last thing I need."

"Yeah, same here." She turned back to look over the balcony, still trying to control her adrenaline. She wished badly that she wasn't so easily frightened. She was always making a fool of herself. "I had a nap earlier and wasn't tired yet."

He looked at her, his brow knit in concern. "Are you all right? I really frightened you, didn't I? I'm sorry."

Jennifer was mortified. She forced a shaky laugh. "Really, it's fine. I'm…easily frightened."

He looked skeptical, but didn't belabor the point. "Well, sorry anyway. Mind if I join you?"

"Not at all."

They stood for a while, looking out at the city, neither saying anything. Jennifer liked that about him: he didn't feel the need to fill a silence others might consider awkward. It was a boon to Jennifer, who didn't yet trust her ability to carry on a decent conversation. She was stressed, had just been frightened, and was still in the process of controlling her sorrow. Silence was just fine with her.

o~0~o

_Jennifer was finally dragged out of her misery by an bell alerting her someone was at her door. It had only been three days since Carson's death, and Jennifer was in no mood for visitors. The bell sounded again. Jennifer sighed and went to open the door._

"_Noriko?"_

"_Hi, Jennifer. I came to tell you they are doing the memorial service. You should come."_

"_I don't want to," Jennifer mumbled._

_Noriko looked at her silently for a moment. "Well, you really should honor his memory by coming to the service. It is good to pay homage to those who have gone before us."_

"_Look, Noriko, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but it's not going to work. If you want to go, go, but I can't handle that. Not yet."_

_Noriko looked uncomfortable. She shrugged and started to leave. Jennifer momentarily felt bad for hurting her feelings, but she found it hard to care very much about anything at the moment. As she began to walk away, Noriko suddenly stopped, turned back, and softly said, "I will always be grateful for our friendship." Then she left._

_Jennifer never saw her again, but she suspected Noriko went back to Earth on the next _Daedalus_ flight._

_Noriko was right though; Jennifer really should attend the memorial service, painful though it would be. She took her time making herself semi-presentable, wearing her full medical uniform complete with the yellow-shouldered jacket. She made her way to the gateroom and reached it just in time to hear the end of Dr. Weir's speech._

"_... George Fabricius said, 'Death comes to us all, but great achievements, they build a monument which shall endure until the sun grows cold.' Every single life Carson saved is a monument to him. And that gives me great comfort."_

_Dr. Weir's voice began to break as she finished and the bagpipes began playing a heartbreaking lament. As a somber group of six began carrying the Scottish-flag draped coffin through the gate to its eternal resting place home on Earth, Jennifer fled the room. She had been in the back all along, so making an escape was easy. Without a mind as to where she was going, she walked, blinded by tears yet unshed. Before she realized where she was going, she somehow ended up the one place in Atlantis she could always be assured of solitude: the chapel. Undoubtedly the Ancients had used the room for a different purpose, but when the Air Force chaplain had found the small room tucked in an unused corner of the city, lit only by light flooding in intricately crafted stained glass-the only true stained glass they had found anywhere in the city-he had declared it the chapel and wouldn't take no for an answer. Even the chaplains in the military had warriors' spirits. He held sparsely attended services when he could, but they were few and far between. The chapel got most of its use from individuals seeking out a place of peace and quiet, a place for prayer and meditation. Jennifer went often to have some time to herself. As usual, the small dark room was empty. She lit a couple of candles to make it feel more comfortable, then sat on one of the long benches. Whatever the room had originally been intended for, it fit the purpose of a chapel almost perfectly. The chaplain had brought a wooden cross replica last time he visited Earth, completing the feel of the room. It reminded Jennifer of the church she used to go to with her father. It was a tiny little white building out in the middle of some cornfields, but it was well-attended and people were happy there. The Atlantis chapel was a little piece of home, in many ways. Today, though, Jennifer wasn't there to feel at home. She was there to try to find some peace. The stillness was calming and restful._

_Several hours later, Jennifer awoke with a jerk. Everything hurt. Disgruntled and confused, she tried to make sense of where she was. She was surprised to find she had fallen asleep on the hard wooden bench in the chapel. The night before had been sleepless, and though she hadn't felt particularly tired all day, she figured it was more due to numbness than actually being rested. The fact that she had managed to fall asleep on the bench was a confirmation for her. Groaning, she tried to sit up and found that her back and shoulders were screaming in protest. Her joints, apparently, did not appreciate being forced to lie on hard wood for hours on end. Somehow she managed a sitting position and tried to work out some of the kinks. One of her shoulders popped and felt a bit better after the momentary burst of pain. She put her face in her hands and tried to get her bearings. Carson was dead. The memorial service was over. The team that had gone to Earth to conduct the funeral was probably on their way, if not already back. Base operations had been suspended for a few days to allow things to return to normal as much as they could. Tomorrow Jennifer would ask Dr. Weir about being transferred back to Earth. Today she wanted to forget. Maybe she could just stay here, in the chapel, all day and no one would miss her. She looked at her watch and was shocked to find it was already well into the evening. She had eaten nothing all day, but she didn't have much of an appetite. "I'll just stay here a while longer," she decided._

_A few minutes later she heard someone clear their throat behind her as a polite warning they were coming in. She turned, hoping whoever it was didn't want to talk to her. No such luck._

"_Are you Dr. Keller?" The young man asked._

_Reluctantly, she affirmed that she was and asked what he wanted._

"_My team was sent out to find you when no one had seen you for five hours. People were worried."_

_Jennifer looked at the man closely. He looked familiar, but she couldn't put a name to the face. He looked very tired and care worn. Jennifer suspected he hadn't slept at all the night before either._

_He lowered himself slowly into the bench across from her, sighing as though it pained him._

"_Well, I guess I found you. Major Evan Lorne, ma'am." He held out his hand._

_Jennifer shook it halfheartedly. Major Lorne…. The name did ring a bell. Right. The man who had to get stitches last week after he fell down a flight of stairs. She tucked it away in her mind for future reference._

"_I have to admit, Major, I'm rather surprised you did find me. People don't usually look in here."_

_He gave a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. "I do. It's where I would go. Heck, it's where I did go." Shaking his head at some unspoken thought, he looked at his hands that were folded in his lap. "I guess…I guess it's the only place that makes any sense to go to, after…" His voice broke and he closed his eyes. Taking a deep breath, he continued, "…after something like that." There was no need for him to elaborate. Jennifer just nodded silently._

_He didn't make any move to leave and he seemed to have run out of words, so Jennifer cleared her throat and stood. "Well, then, I better go let people know I'm still alive."_

_Her attempt at humor fell flat and she regretted saying it. "Sorry. I'll just…go." Major Lorne nodded, still looking at his hands. Jennifer was making a fool of herself. Just as she started to leave, though, he got her attention._

"_Dr. Keller?" She turned. He was looking at her. "Everything will be all right."_

_She smiled genuinely at his encouragement that was so clearly for himself as well as her. "Yes it will." Then she left._

_The meeting didn't give her any deep revelations or bestow her with wisdom, but it did remind her that Atlantis had some people left worth their weight in gold. Jennifer decided not to transfer to Earth just yet._

_Weeks passed and things began to calm down. The grief lessened, operations resumed as before. The only difference was that Atlantis no longer had a chief medical officer. Jennifer was acting as the head of medicine until they found someone to replace her._

_The problem was, they didn't seem to be in any hurry. Jennifer didn't want the responsibility of leading the entire medical staff this soon after Carson's death. It was too much to handle so unexpectedly. One day, Jennifer caught a glimpse of Dr. Weir walking through the hall. She ran to catch up._

"_Doctor Weir."_

"_Doctor Keller. How is my Head of Medicine?"_

_Jennifer did her best to explain to Dr. Weir that she was in no way prepared for this job and tried to hint that she was getting ready to transfer back to Earth. Either Dr. Weir had other things on her mind or really did expect Jennifer to take over, because all she ever really said was that they would keep reviewing candidates. In other words, they were happy with Jennifer and definitely weren't trying that hard to find someone else. Dr. Weir hurried off to her next meeting, leaving Jennifer with her last "I'll keep you posted!" still hanging in the air._

_Jennifer mumbled a sarcastic "Thanks" and went back to the infirmary. That was not at all what she'd wanted to hear. _

_They weren't going to replace her._


	6. This is home

_**6. THIS IS HOME**_

So, Jennifer became the head of medicine at Atlantis. She hadn't looked back since. There had been more tragedies, including Dr. Weir herself being severely injured and essentially turned into a Replicator. Jennifer had had to make all the difficult decisions dealing with Dr. Weir's injury in just her second month as the head of medicine. That had turned out for the worst, but things had gotten steadily better. Finding a Michael-created clone of Carson had been one of the strangest experiences so far. She had worked many long hours and sleepless nights searching for a way to prevent his telomeres from becoming too short and destroying all his cells, but it had been worth it. Getting to talk to Carson again, even if it wasn't the real Carson, had been marvelous. She smiled to herself at the memories. Atlantis was a good place to belong. As the head of medicine, she had started going on missions with Colonel Sheppard's team. Though terrifying at first, the missions had started becoming almost fun. Jennifer relished the chance to explore the planets and get off Atlantis now and then. It was a gorgeous city, and huge, but even Atlantis got old after months of being stuck there.

"What are you thinking about?" Major Lorne asked. He was looking at her and had probably seen her smile.

"What? Oh, um, nothing much." She laughed self-consciously. "I was just remembering when I first came to Atlantis. Everything that has happened, you know. It's been a wild ride."

Major Lorne turned his back to the balcony and leaned against it. "That it has, to say the least. Are you glad you're here? If you could do it all again, would you still come?"

It was a good question. Jennifer thought for a moment. "Yes, yes I would. It's been rough, but it's also been wonderful. Atlantis has become…home. The people I've met, the things I've experienced…no, I don't regret it for a moment."

"Me either," Major Lorne agreed as he leaned back and looked up at the starry sky. "No matter what happens, I don't regret it."

They were silent again.

"Well," said Jennifer finally, "I suppose I'll go to bed."

"Probably not a bad idea."

Jennifer jumped at another sound behind her. She spun around to see Ronon coming toward them. As he approached, he gave Major Lorne a silent stare that held a challenge. Major Lorne met his gaze for a second, then uncomfortably looked down and cleared his throat.

"Hi, Ronon," Jennifer said in surprise. "I thought you'd gone to bed?"

"Yeah, I did, but I couldn't sleep. I saw you guys standing out here, so…." He shrugged.

Jennifer patted the big man on the back. "Nice of you to join us. I was actually just heading for bed, but if the two of you want to chat for a bit, feel free."

She suppressed a giggle at the thought of the two quiet men trying to carry on any sort of conversation. It would probably result in them glaring heatedly at each other.

"Um, I actually think I'll head to bed too." Major Lorne had a look on his face that said he didn't relish the thought of trying to talk to Ronon much.

"I guess I will too." Ronon relented.

"Great. You guys can escort me to my room," Jennifer said, grinning widely at them. They looked at her, then each other, then back at her again.

"Yes, ma'am," Major Lorne said politely.

"Sure," Ronon said, less politely, but still happily.

Jennifer enjoyed being bossy when the right situations presented themselves. She hid it well, or at least she tried, but she knew her dad would gladly inform anyone and everyone that they'd better watch out for her bossy streak. As they started walking, she smiled sadly, remembering how her mom used to chide her for it. Her mom would say, "Jenn, be polite," and her dad would always respond by kissing his wife and saying, "Oh, Alicia, you worry too much. Jenn'll grow out of it, and even if she doesn't it'll keep her safe from the big bad boys." Then her mom would look up at him lovingly and say, "Don, you drive me crazy but I love you."

Jennifer sighed.

Major Lorne looked at her questioningly. Ronon asked, "What?"

"Oh, um, nothing," Jennifer said hastily. "I was just, thinking about my mom."

Ronon nodded understandingly. As far as she could remember, he and Teyla were the only two people on the base who knew what had happened to her mother. It would always be a bit of a sore spot for Jennifer, so she tried not to talk about it very much.

So, when Major Lorne grinned in response and started talking wistfully about the fun he always had with his mom, who was an art teacher, she really couldn't blame him.

However, she also couldn't control the wave of sadness that hit her, as it always did, when she remembered she would never, ever have another new memory of her mom. The decade-old scar still hadn't fully healed. Adolescence was a hard time to lose a parent.

Jennifer scrunched up her face, trying hard to control the unwelcome emotions, but it was just one of those days. When it rained, it poured as far as memories - and, apparently, crying - went . Since she'd been remembering all day, well…it fit. She should've expected it. But it still caught her off-guard.

A soft sob worked its way out of her, unbidden, along with a tear.

Ronon touched her shoulder tenderly; Jennifer was glad he understood so unquestioningly. Major Lorne, though, looked at her with deep concern.

Before he could say anything, Jennifer bolted down the nearest side hall. As soon as she was out of sight of the two men, she sank to the floor, put her face in her hands, and cried. She sincerely hoped they didn't try to come after her. She hated others seeing her cry. She hated admitting that, deep inside, she was still so torn up.

After what felt like hours but was probably only a couple minutes, Jennifer finally got a hold of herself. To her surprise, she could hear angry shouts coming from the direction she'd just run from. Curiosity overtook embarrassment and misery, and she crept to the corner and peeked around.

Jennifer was taken aback at the scene that confronted her.

Ronon had Major Lorne pinned against a wall, and Jennifer was just in time time hear his furious, "If you EVER make her cry again, I will kill you." He leaned in very close to Major Lorne's face to punctuate the threat.

Major Lorne somehow kept his cool, which Jennifer was amazed by. She envied him that ability.

"Look, Ronon, I'm sorry, I really am. I truly had no idea I would make her cry by saying those things...they seemed like things that would make people happy." He sounded completely bewildered.

"Yeah, well, if you cared about her at all," Ronon's voice was a deep growl, "you'd know her mom died not that long ago."

Major Lorne looked crestfallen. "Oh. I had no idea. I...oh dear." He truly looked mortified.

Jennifer knew she should say something to make Ronon stop, but if she were honest with herself, she was scared of Ronon when he was angry. And he was _very_ angry. So Jennifer stayed hidden behind the corner, something she later felt terrible about.

"Now, just, hold on, Ronon." Major Lorne held up his hands defensively, his voice the perfect example of calm and collected. Jennifer could see just a hint of panic on his face, though. He'd never been attacked by Ronon like this before and clearly didn't know what to do. "I promise I'll never do it again, if that helps."

All of a sudden, Ronon punched him hard in the face. Jennifer winced. That would hurt, even though the distance between the towering Ronon and the dumbfounded major was short.

"See that you don't." And with that, Ronon stalked away.

Jennifer was torn between pity and amusement as a dazed Major Lorne put a hand to his face and gently felt his bleeding lip.

"What the...?" He muttered to himself, looking after the retreating Ronon.

He shook his head and headed down the opposite hallway, in the direction of the infirmary.

Really, if Jennifer didn't feel so bad for the man she would've burst out laughing.

Jennifer started to follow so she could lend him a hand cleaning his split lip, but decided to save him the pain of the awkwardness that was bound to cause. She suspected that Major Lorne was the kind of man who would come to her on his own time when he was ready to speak to her again. His pride was probably every bit as injured as his face. Besides, there were plenty of nurses on duty who could help him.

Jennifer stifled a yawn, again realizing how late it had gotten. This time, finally, she was ready to sleep. And sleep she did, the moment her head hit the pillow.

Jennifer awoke to bright sunshine streaming in her windows. Well, doors, really. It was almost always beautiful weather on this planet, and people almost always left their balcony doors open to let the cool-but never cold-Atlantis breeze in while they slept. Jennifer was no exception. She looked at her clock. "Wow, I slept in," she murmured. She must have been more tired than she thought. The nurses were doing just fine without her, no doubt. Breakfast. She was starving. Jennifer dressed quickly and made her way to the mess hall. It was surprisingly empty for that time of day, though after a stressful day like yesterday Jennifer suspected many people were sleeping in or taking breakfast in their rooms. She grabbed a muffin and looked around to see who was in the cafeteria she could join. Rodney was sitting by himself, as usual. No one else she felt comfortable with was here. It was going to have to be Rodney. She didn't mind terribly. Rodney was a sweetheart underneath his arrogant exterior. In another time, another place, she could see herself really liking him. As she made her way over to Rodney's table, a motion caught her eye from the edge of the cafeteria. Jennifer glanced over and saw Teyla and Major Lorne talking quietly apart from everyone else. Jennifer felt a ball of frustration build in her chest, but she forced it down. Major Lorne had a black eye, and Teyla was clearly concerned. As Jennifer watched, he appeared to convince Teyla he was fine, to which Teyla's response was smiling and offering to let him hold Torren, which he gladly accepted. Jennifer felt a little sick. He looked so…perfect holding Torren. "Hey, Jennifer!" Rodney had noticed her. "Come sit with me." Jennifer tore her eyes away from Teyla and Major Lorne, which was probably for the best since it was just making her mad.

"Hi Rodney." She forced a smile. Rodney looked so happy to see her that it actually made her melt a little. Her smile became genuine.

"How are you today?"

"Oh, I'm great. Hey, did you here we get our two weeks of leave on Earth early this year?"

Jennifer hadn't heard. She asked Rodney about it and he responded by taking a big bite of waffle before launching into a convoluted explanation of some physics presentation that he was wanting to go to.

She kept trying to respond, but he kept interrupting. He was clearly working his way up to something, and that had Jennifer very curious.

"I know we only get fourteen days on Earth a year and you miss your dad and all…"

By now Jennifer had figured out where this was going, and she was amused. She desperately wanted Rodney to get better at dealing with women, though, so she decided not to help him out with this conversation. He'd get through it eventually and it was good practice for him.

Poor Rodney was having such a hard time with this, though. He could be adorable sometimes.

"So I was thinking that, um, if I was to, say, show up with a woman..."

What a roundabout way to ask a girl out. She looked at him encouragingly.

Jennifer didn't think the man could look any more embarrassed.

"... a-a _beautiful_ woman…"

Never mind. She took that thought back. Touched, she smiled shyly.

Awkwardly, Rodney finished, "... that, um, they would maybe not think that I was a complete loser. It could be fun!"

He looked so hopeful, Jennifer knew she couldn't refuse. But she was going to make him work for it.

"Hmm. Now, let's see: a room full of physicists; a long-winded presentation I probably won't understand. Yeah, it doesn't really sound like fun."

"Well, there'll be drinks, probably, and maybe those little sandwiches…. And ... me. I'll be there."

It was taking every bit of Jennifer's willpower not to burst into giggles. She was well and truly touched. Maybe she could bring herself to like Rodney after all.

Finally, she caved, "You don't have to fabricate all these reasons on why you need me to be with you. You could just ask me out on a date."

"Hey, I didn't want to...I mean, I know...you ..."

Now she was getting exasperated, "I'll probably say yes!"

Rodney was trying so hard. He tried to look casual and asked, "Well, you wanna go to this thing with me?"

Smiling, Jennifer responded, "Sure! I'd love to."

"What? I love...I mean, that's good! Good! Great! That's..."

Oh, Rodney.

Jennifer smiled again. "It's a date!"

To be honest, Jennifer was getting a bit desperate for a special someone in her life. She knew, in the back of her mind, that God had a plan and everything would work out in time, but she was getting on towards 30 and had never been on a serious date. She went out once or twice with a couple guys in college, but they weren't the sort of people she wanted to spend any real time with. She kept trying to convince herself that she actually liked Rodney and she wasn't just going to date him because she wanted to be dating someone.

At the moment, she was doing an excellent job of convincing herself.

"That's a date!" Rodney sounded surprised and relieved.

The laughed together, enjoying the moment, and Jennifer glanced toward the door. Still laughing, she muttered, "Don't look now, but Ronon and Colonel Sheppard are watching us."

Rodney ignored her and turned to look. Colonel Sheppard had a look of extreme amusement on his face as he gathered his food. Ronon looked a bit miffed, but also a bit amused. Ronon and Rodney had a "friendly" competition going for Jennifer's heart, she knew, and she liked playing along, even though she knew it was wrong. That was part of why she had settled on Rodney. She couldn't stand the guilt of purposefully messing with their heads. It also helped when Rodney had told her he loved her. Of course, he was losing his memory at the time, but Jennifer could tell it was sincere. No man had ever told her he loved her before, other than her dad, and it had made a big impact on her. It had made her look at Rodney with new eyes. She smiled at the memory and looked to see if anyone else was watching them.

Someone was.

Major Lorne was standing by himself now, staring openly, and he did not look amused.

Jennifer's happiness died. Had she been wrong about his feelings for Teyla? If she had…she had just dug a grave for herself and was climbing in willingly. That was silly, though. He obviously had deep affection for Teyla, more than anyone else on all of Atlantis. She shook the thought out of her mind and turned back to Rodney, trying to resurrect the conversation.

"So, what's the presentation?"

Fortunately, Rodney hadn't noticed her sudden mood change. "I don't know. He doesn't want to tell anyone until we all get there but if I know this guy, it'll be a, you know, first class presentation...with, like, second rate science."

They both had finished eating and started cleaning up and walking toward the trash cans as Rodney kept talking, "Probably some minor adjustment to someone else's work, but the food'll be good!"

Jennifer forced herself to smile again. "And the company." She meant it, mostly.

They parted ways and Jennifer went back to her quarters to get ready for another long day of standard clinical procedures. No missions were scheduled for the day to give everyone a chance to rest, so the likelihood of an emergency was extremely low. Five people were scheduled for an annual physical, none of whom Jennifer knew at all. She finished getting ready and went to the infirmary. The day passed, as did the next, and the next, and before Jennifer knew it, it was time to go back to Earth.

Jennifer had gone to a physics presentation for her first real date. She still wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. It had been an interesting experience, to say the least. The ground-breaking experimental technology had malfunctioned, nearly killing them all. She'd told Rodney she loved him. They'd kissed. Twice. Jennifer wasn't sure how she felt about it. Part of her was thrilled, part of her was deeply sad and felt like this wasn't how it was meant to be. On the bright side, she'd met Bill Nye the Science Guy, of all people. He was the only person who'd managed to get her through science in school. She'd hated reading her textbooks, and being home-schooled made it all too easy not to read her textbooks. Watching Bill Nye and his goofy bow tie helped her survive high school physics and chemistry. Did she have a good time on the date? Yes. Did she enjoy being with Rodney? Yes, for the most part. _So_, _why, _she kept asking herself, _did it make me so sad? _Unfortunately, she couldn't answer that herself.

The next two weeks were marvelous. She'd gone back home and told her dad as much as she could about all had happened in Atlantis. They'd laughed together and cried together, and all the while his eyes had shone with admiration for his daughter. She'd missed him more than she'd realized. There was still a nagging part of her that wanted nothing more than to stay home and work on the farm. She could start a small practice right in Chippewa Falls. Maybe no one would miss her on Atlantis. She knew she couldn't, though. They had become like another family to her and she had to go back. So at the end of the two weeks, she'd hugged her dad goodbye again, shed a few more tears, and boarded the plane that would take her to the _Daedalus_. Rodney was all over her on the ride back to Atlantis. He followed her around like a puppy and kept trying to be nice. Jennifer thought it was sweet, but it got annoying pretty quickly.

Finally, in a moment of extreme exasperation, she blurted out, "Rodney, I've never seen you this happy. What's wrong with you?"

He was taken aback, and stuttered a bit before he responded. "Um, er, well, nothing's wrong. In fact, things are very right. I have you. What more could I want?"

Jennifer smiled at him, reminding herself what a sweetie he was. Why was it bothering her? She was being silly. She determined to follow through on her words and really _love_ Rodney. By the time they got back to Atlantis, her feelings had almost caught up to her actions.

_**A/N: **Part of Rodney and Jennifer's conversation is from the episode _Brainstorm_. I rewrote it a bit to fit the flow of the story, but I felt it was an event that was too important not to include here. I just thought I should give credit where credit is due!_


	7. I can't do this alone

**_7. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE_**

For a bit, it was weird to be back on Atlantis, but Jennifer settled back into her old routine almost immediately. Her second day back, she headed for the infirmary with renewed energy and was determined to appreciate just how wonderful her life really was.

A young man, her new aide, greeted her and handed her a clipboard.

"Thank you, Stephen," she said as she took the clipboard and looked it over. She took it over to her desk and made some notes in her ledger. "All right, let's get started."

The day went faster than Jennifer expected. Her first physical was right away in the morning, a pretty, petite blonde woman also named Jennifer.

"Dr. Jennifer Keller, nice to meet you Jennifer. I like your name." She winked at the young woman, who smiled shyly.

"Nice to meet you too."

Jennifer always tried to make her patients feel welcome and comfortable, a luxury not often possible in a galaxy full of strange diseases and alien organisms. But she did what she could, which was usually carrying on a friendly conversation.

"So…you're an…astrophysicist?"

"Just astronomer. I don't do any difficult calculations or anything. I was an astrophotographer on Earth. They hired me to map the stars from Atlantis. We're hoping to get a new look at the universe from the Pegasus galaxy. And you know what?" Astronomer Jennifer's blue eyes sparkled with excitement.

Doctor Jennifer figured the girl couldn't be much over 20. She smiled at the change that had come over the woman; she'd lost all her shyness and was full of pure excitement. "What?"

"We just got our FIRST EVER look at our very own Milky Way Galaxy. We've never been able to see it before because no spacecraft could fly far enough fast enough to photograph it in our lifetimes, and we had only been speculating on its shape and composition. But now we've seen it! With telescopes! It's an unheard of opportunity."

Doctor Jennifer smiled at Astronomer Jennifer. Her enthusiasm was catching, even though Doctor Jennifer had only the faintest notions about astronomy herself. "That's pretty cool."

"Are you kidding? It's _awesome!_"

This was why Jennifer loved her job. She got to see sides of people most others would never see. _You can't hide things from doctors, _Jennifer liked to tell herself. For some reason, her patients always seemed to open up most while they were being examined. Perhaps people thought that, since doctors saw their innermost physical attributes, in a way they were exposing their entire selves. Doctors could view the innermost emotional attributes as well. It was something Jennifer often speculated about. Times like these, Jennifer missed Kate Heightmeyer, Atlantis's resident psychologist who had died in an unfortunate encounter with parasitic organisms the previous year. Jennifer still partially blamed herself and wished Kate were still around to talk to. Doctors had a special job, whether they were physical or emotional doctors. Plus, saving lives had more rewards than any job on the entire base. Jennifer, once again, considered herself extraordinarily blessed.

Astronomer Jennifer was healthy, Doctor Jennifer decided, and she happily went back to her lab to analyze star patterns or some such thing. Once she'd gotten over being shy, she'd jabbered away nonstop for the entire appointment, mostly about things Jennifer didn't even understand. She was somewhat relieved when her next patient ended up being Captain Rod Benson, a typical stoically silent Marine. An older man, he'd probably enlisted and worked his way up slowly but surely to Captain. He'd roughed up his knee on his last mission and was undergoing physical therapy for some torn ligaments.

"You know, you're really lucky you didn't tear your ACL in two," Jennifer remarked as she examined his healing knee.

Captain Benson just grunted.

Marines were hard to converse with.

"Well, it looks as though it's healing right on schedule. How much pain are you in when you walk?"

"None."

Jennifer gave him a hard stare. "Honestly."

For some reason, even the toughest soldier crumbled when she looked at them like that.

"Well, sometimes it hurts when I go up and down stairs 'n ramps 'n stuff, but not just plain ol' walking," Captain Benson drawled with a thick Texan accent.

"Good. That's a big improvement from last week. I want to take one more look, same time next week, and I'll probably clear you for active duty."

Captain Benson grunted again and left the infirmary. Jennifer stared at him, akimbo, and pursed her lips. Maybe she was wrong about getting people to open up. Or, maybe people like Captain Rod Benson didn't have anything to open up about.

As the day progressed, Jennifer went about her job almost mindlessly. This was a typical day on Atlantis. Some standard checkups, a few injury assessments, probably at some point she'd get an alert that someone had twisted an ankle and she'd have to go to the scene of the injury. Then, that evening, there would be paperwork. Lots and lots of paperwork. The one thing Jennifer despised about being a doctor was the paperwork. Insurance issues, mission report reviews, prescriptions, medical reports…even way out here in the Pegasus Galaxy, Earth regulations applied. It was a necessary evil, though, and Jennifer made it through with some help from her aides and nurses. Some days she wished she could go back to being second in command, where the responsibility was less and the paperwork was minimal.. On the other hand, the experiences she'd had she wouldn't trade for the world…galaxy. Only as a chief of medicine could she have those experiences. The annoyance of the extra work was certainly worth it.

Jennifer was pulled out of her reverie by a voice in her ear. "Dr. Keller, we have a medical emergency on the East Pier."

Jennifer sprang into action, grabbing her medical kit and rushing to the nearest transport, followed by three nurses. "I'm on my way. What's the nature of the injury?"

"Lieutenant Cadman is bleeding…I can't tell where it's coming from. It's a lot of blood though. I just found her here on the pier like this."

Lieutenant Cadman was Carson Beckett's girlfriend before he died. She'd had a hard time then, and an equally hard time having him suddenly reappear. They'd grown close again, though, and Jennifer suspected they were dating again. Lieutenant Laura Cadman was, however, known for being a bit reckless. She had probably been trying some half-brained stunt to impress a friend and injured herself in the process. The lieutenant was doing an admirable job coping with Carson's decision to move off-base and conduct his medical practice, but Jennifer was sure her nerves must be absolutely shot having to lose Carson so many times and getting him back just as often. They were good for each other, though. He kept her safe (mostly) and she made his life exciting.

Jennifer sprang into action the moment she reached the pier and assessed the situation. A group of women were gathered around the downed lieutenant.

"Everyone get out of the way!" Jennifer yelled. They scattered. Lieutenant Cadman was in a crumpled heap and one of her legs was covered in blood. Jennifer rushed to her side and knelt to feel for a pulse. It was there, if a bit weaker than she'd like. Lieutenant Cadman was unconscious. Jennifer rolled her onto her back. A huge gash stretched from her hip to her knee, barely missing a major artery.

"Stretcher! We need a blood transfusion ready to go," Jennifer commanded into her earpiece.

"Yes, ma'am," came the response.

The nurses helped her lift Lieutenant Cadman onto the stretcher and Jennifer rushed them toward the infirmary, trying to get a story out of one of the other ladies. None of them had been there when it had happened.

So, no fool stunt. What, then?

The gash was deep and bloody but clean. After disinfecting the wound, Jennifer had a nurse suture it as she examined the rest of Lieutenant Cadman. The injury itself certainly wasn't enough to knock her unconscious, so something else was clearly wrong. Sure enough, a large goose egg was forming on the lieutenant's brow.

"She hit her head on something, it looks like," She mused to her coworkers. "And you didn't see _anything_ at all?" She asked Lieutenant Cadman's friends once again. The youngest, a dark, quiet lady who had recently enlisted in the Air Force under Lieutenant Cadman's command shook her head.

"No, ma'am. We were walking through the hall and we heard a scream. We ran to it and we found our CO in the condition she is now. No one else was around; nothing looked out of place. We searched the surrounding area after we called you. Nothing."

"Strange." Jennifer decided she'd have to wait until the young lady woke up so she could ask her herself. She suspected Lieutenant Cadman had a nasty concussion but she sincerely hoped it was no worse than that. Shooing the gawkers out of the infirmary, Jennifer tidied up the area and put Lieutenant Cadman in the recovery room so she could keep a close eye on her. Ten minutes passed and Lieutenant Cadman still hadn't stirred. Jennifer was about to check her vital signs when a panicked voice yelled in her ear, "Dr. Keller! We need a medic RIGHT NOW! Private Richards is wounded!"

Jennifer's heart sank. "Okay, stay calm, tell me where you are." She motioned her team into action.

"Base of the Control Tower. South transport."

Jennifer hurried to help her team get out the door as quickly as possible. They entered the nearest transport and found a chaotic scene when they exited at the south side of the Control Tower. Dozens of people were crowded around something. Jennifer suspected it was Private Richards. For the second time today, she found herself hollering, "Everyone, move!" and pushing her way through the crowd. When she made it to Private Richards' side, her breath caught in her throat. She didn't even need to feel for a pulse, even though habit forced her to anyway. Private Richards' abdomen was ripped open and things that should have been safely inside him had found their way out. He had been dead for quite some time. "When…how…did this happen?" Jennifer asked in a tight voice. About that time, Colonel Sheppard appeared and immediately took charge. Pushing his way through the people to Jennifer, he lightly touched her shoulder as he commanded the onlookers to return to their posts. They obeyed, still murmuring wonderingly.

"Colonel?" She looked at him questioningly.

He sighed and gazed at the body. Jennifer could feel the pain radiating from him. He clearly blamed himself somehow. He always did. "I don't know. He was in my group of new recruits. I was showin' them the ropes, you know, where to find stuff 'n' stuff, and then suddenly, he was gone. Poof. Just like that. When we came back to see where he was…." Colonel Sheppard swallowed and looked like he was trying to keep his lunch in his stomach. Jennifer returned his reassuring shoulder squeeze.

"It's all right, Colonel. Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. Help me move the body to the infirmary so we can do an autopsy." He silently obliged.

Jennifer examined the body, feeling a bit sick herself, once they were back in the infirmary. It was the same clean, deep gash that Lieutenant Cadman had. Jennifer was flabbergasted. An intruder? An invisible killer? What was doing this? Colonel Sheppard also tried to deduce what might have caused the wound.

"You know, it almost looks like…." He absentmindedly reached into his belt and pulled out a sharp and deadly military knife. He held it directly above one side of the gash and pulled it through the air to the other side slowly and thoughtfully. Jennifer watched him with rapt attention. The man acted as though he had an average intelligence, but his wit and wisdom in the face of stressful situations continually surprised her. He turned to her, a frown of deep concentration knitting his brows. "I know I'm no doctor, but this sure looks like a knife wound to me. It's obviously not a gunshot, and it's too clean to be from one of those Wraith knives. Probably too clean for an Athosian knife, too. It's too deep for anything non-military."

Jennifer stared at him. "You may be no doctor, but I'm starting to think maybe you should be." He just shrugged and stuck his knife back in his belt. "I'm going to check on the rest of my men. Make sure they aren't too shook up." Jennifer nodded and he left. She went back to examining Lieutenant Cadman and Private Richards. Colonel Sheppard was right: the gashes definitely looked like they were from US military knives. The problem was that that information did little good. Almost every person on the entire base, and a few allies, had easy access to the knives.

Whatever had caused the two unfortunate injuries, Jennifer had a feeling it wasn't over yet. She was right. Two more calls came in that day for emergencies; both were knife wounds, clean and deep. One was a man with a gash across his chest, the other an older lady, a scientist, whose finger had been cut off. Both were unconscious and no one had seen what had happened to either of them. In fact, Jennifer realized as she cleaned up the injured base personnel, Lieutenant Cadman hadn't woken up yet. That was strange. The lump on her head wasn't bad enough to keep her unconscious for this long. What was more, neither Captain Sylvestre Berard nor Doctor Elizabeth Cheney had head injuries that Jennifer could find. She was stumped. It was fairly late in the evening, now, and Jennifer was struggling to keep her eyes open. She was surprised neither Ronon nor Rodney had come to check on her. Suddenly, Jennifer had a momentary panic: how many people were injured who simply hadn't been found? She desperately grabbed her communicator, which she had set down beside her laptop while she worked so she could still hear it and announced to the whole city: "Attention, everyone, I have an announcement. Atlantis is in a state of emergency. People are being gravely injured, but we don't know how. It is everyone's responsibility to find and help the injured, so please, if you haven't seen someone for a while, make sure they are okay." She took a breath. This was coming out sounding all wrong. She was so bad at announcements to large numbers of people. "Um, once again, I expect everyone to keep track of each other. Look out for each other. Please report any, ANY, strange activity, even if it's only a little strange." Again, that's not really what she wanted to say, but it got the point across. She decided she'd better stop while she was ahead. "Thanks, everyone." She put her radio back and let her head fall to the desk. She was exhausted, but needed to stay awake for two more hours until the night shift doctors took her place.

Jennifer jumped when she felt a hand on her back. "Jennifer? You all right?" It was Rodney. Jennifer felt disoriented. Where was she? Oh, right, the infirmary. She'd fallen asleep. "Oh, goodness! I have to check on…" she trailed off as she hurried to check on her patients. They were much the same as before. Stable, but unconscious. Almost comatose. She turned back to Rodney, who still looked concerned. She smiled reassuringly. "Yes, I'm fine Rodney. It's just been a stressful day and I'm tired. What time is it?"

"Almost 10."

"Oh, my. I slept for almost two hours. How bad of me," she reprimanded herself.

Rodney put his arm around her shoulders, somewhat awkwardly. She admired him for trying so hard to be kind. He just needed some practice.

"Um, it's…uh, fine, I'm sure. Are you almost done in here?"

She smiled at him. "Yes, I'm almost done. Once Mark gets here I can leave."

"Good. Do you want to…uh…get something to eat with me?"

Jennifer kissed him on the cheek. "I'd love to. Just let me finish up some stuff and see where Mark's at."

"Okay."

Jennifer cleaned off her desk and gave Mark Thomas, the primary night shift doctor a call to let him know she was ready for him. He came and took over from her and she filled him in on everything that had happened. He was a good doctor, intelligent, gentle, but very quiet. Jennifer had never seen him smile. He was tall, too, almost 6'5". All in all, he was an imposing and somewhat intimidating man, but everyone adored him because he was the epitome of the Gentle Giant. Some people even called him GG—behind his back, of course. When the infirmary was safely in Mark's hands, Jennifer took Rodney's arm and he escorted her to the cafeteria. Several military men (and even a few women) whistled at them, but Jennifer had learned to ignore them long ago. It got Rodney flustered though. Most things did. Jennifer soothed him as they walked to the cafeteria, and by the time they got there he was almost calmed down again.

The few people in the mess hall looked worn and tired. Colonel Sheppard was sitting at a table in the corner with Teyla, who was clearly trying to comfort him. The poor man looked like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, which he almost did considering the way he blamed himself for everything. This, especially, would hit him hard because everything pointed to someone in the military as the perpetrator. Jennifer would have to try to convince his to stop by the psychologist later on, even though he would probably ignore her. Jennifer worried about Colonel Sheppard a lot. When she had first arrived, he had been a happy goofball of a guy. Sure, he took more responsibility than he should, but he still seemed content with his life. Then they'd been attacked by the Replicators. He hadn't been the same since Dr. Weir's death. It was common knowledge that their relationship went much deeper than genial coworker friendship, even though neither of them would have admitted anything. Naturally, he'd partly blamed himself for the situation, even though, Jennifer hated to admit, it had really been Rodney's and her faults. Ever since, he'd become more and more solitary. After he lost Elizabeth, he tried to take comfort in his friendships with Ronon, Teyla, and Rodney. Then Teyla got involved with an Athosian man, Kanaan, had a child, and grew distant. Rodney had become increasingly focused on Jennifer and had all but stopped talking to Colonel Sheppard. Not to mention the time Colonel Sheppard had to go back to Earth for his dad's funeral. Ronon had confided to Jennifer than Colonel Sheppard had run into his ex-wife, who had left him long before he came to Atlantis and had left quite a scar on his heart, from what Jennifer could gather. Ronon would always be there for him, but Ronon wasn't the kind of guy you could hang out with late at night drinking beer and watching football. Ronon was himself a loner and hard to talk to. So, Colonel Sheppard started putting up a wall. It got thicker and higher almost daily. Jennifer almost never saw him talking to anyone any more, and her heart broke for him. He'd come to Atlantis to escape the heartache he'd endured on Earth and endured it all a hundredfold over since he'd arrived. Jennifer was glad to see Teyla talking to him. It would do him some good.

"What are you looking at?" Jennifer suddenly realized she'd been standing and staring into space for a while and Rodney was getting impatient.

"Oh! Um, nothing." She forced a chuckle. "Just, uh, thinking about work." Rodney furrowed his brow and looked at her out of the corner of his eye, but said nothing (shockingly) and they sat at one of the many empty tables. They ate and chatted for a bit until Jennifer decided she really needed sleep. It had been such an exhausting day. Rodney offered to walk her to her room, and she gladly accepted. Tonight, with a rogue killer on the loose, Jennifer was not ashamed of being afraid of the dark. Rodney himself was unusually pensive and they were silent as they walked back through the dark halls. All of a sudden, as they rounded a corner, Jennifer nearly tripped over a large object on the ground. A scream caught in her throat and her fear changed to dread as she realized it wasn't a monster or a killer. It was Ronon. And he was bleeding.

"Oh, no," she breathed. "Help me with him!" She commanded Rodney.

"But, but, what…what do I do?" He sounded panicked. Jennifer wondered if this is what he'd been like trying to deliver Teyla's baby. That would have been a sight to see. Jennifer shook the thought out of her head and forced herself to focus. She felt for a pulse. It was there, but like all the others it was weak and he was unconscious. She frantically searched for the wound as she urged Rodney to call Mark and have him bring a stretcher. Finally, Jennifer found it: a long, deep gash across the back of Ronon's neck. Jennifer couldn't help the feeling of dread and utter panic that washed over her. If it had severed his spinal cord…"He'd probably be dead already," she reminded herself. Still, though, a lot of damage could be done to the spinal cord before a person died. Especially if that person were Ronon. Mark finally arrived with the stretcher and she helped him get the big man onto it. Rodney tried to keep up as they hastily pushed the stretcher into the nearby transport.

_Please let him be okay_, Jennifer prayed silently. She was more attached to Ronon than she liked to admit. In the infirmary, they did all the scans they had for the others, and found the same things. Jennifer breathed a huge sigh of relief when they discovered the knife had just barely missed his spinal column.

"What is doing this?" She asked no one in particular.

"I wish I knew," Mark responded, just above a whisper.

Rodney shrugged. "Security teams are sweeping through the base. I'm sure they'll find something."

"That's not good enough for me," Jennifer said. She was going to put her foot down before this went any farther. "You should get Radek to go through all the security footage for the locations we found these people in. See if you can see what happened."

"I'm sure that's been done all ready," Rodney said dismissively.

Jennifer took his hand. "Rodney, you are the smartest person in Atlantis. I'm sure they could use your help, even if they've already done it. Since when have you not wanted to double-check people's work?"

"Hm. I suppose you're right. I guess I'll go find Zelenka."

"Thank you Rodney." Her mother had always told her she could catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Rodney would do pretty much anything for flattery. Jennifer did feel much better knowing he would be helping to solve this…whatever it was.

Jennifer remained in place for a moment, staring at the ground in front of her. Mark's large hand came to rest on her arm. "Dr. Keller. Are you all right?"

"Yes, Mark, I'm fine. How many times do I have to tell you to call me Jennifer?"

He shrugged in response. Being proper was one of the most important things to the big man, and to him, calling her Jennifer wasn't proper, even if she preferred it.

Jennifer walked to Ronon's bed and took his hand. Leaning down, she whispered in his ear, "Get better, big guy. We need you around here. I need you." The only answer was the steady beeping of the heart monitor. Jennifer sighed. "If it's all right with you, Mark, I think I'll stay a while." He nodded and returned to whatever it was he had been working on. As long as everyone was stable, there was nothing to do but wait and hope they woke up.

Jennifer sat in the chair beside Ronon's bed and dozed off, thinking about how Ronon was her rock and she couldn't bear to lose him. In the same way, she was Rodney's rock. They were good for each other, like the three musketeers. The sleepy thought made Jennifer smile as she entered the land of sleep.

She was awakened by a hissed, "Jennifer!" in her ear. Momentary surprise and fear faded as she realized she'd left her radio on and Rodney was calling her.

"Yes, Rodney?" She asked sleepily. Mark was still sitting at his computer, methodically tapping away at the keys.

"We've got something interesting."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. All the security cameras are the same. They show the person alone in the hallway or wherever, then suddenly there's a bunch of static and by the time it clears, the person is injured."

"Why didn't they notice that before when they were studying the tapes?"

"They did, they just didn't make any connections. Look, each person looked at a separate tape, and it isn't obvious from just one tape that anything is out of the ordinary. It looks like standard static that happens anytime any energy fluctuation occurs. We get it all the time. Think about how hard it is to see what is happening on security cameras. The quality just isn't that good."

"Okay, Rodney, I get it. Go on."

"Right. So, Zelenka didn't think it was unusual, but I thought to myself, huh, what do the others look like at the same point before the person is attacked? So, I convinced him that I was onto something, even though he was so sure there was nothing to see. Finally, in spite of Zelenka's, hm, ineptitude, we noticed that all the cameras had the same amount of static for the same length of time—just a bit more than three seconds—right before the person was attacked. It looks like whoever the attacker was used some sort of energy weapon to temporarily knock out the security camera, but only just enough that we can't tell quite what's happening. Not enough that it's immediately obvious there was sabatoge."

"Interesting. So, how does that help us?"

"Well…it, uh…now we know the person we're looking for has an energy weapon?"

"Right. Okay. I'll let you get to that, then." Rodney could be a bit overzealous in both his dislike of Zelenka and his excitement about discoveries that had little practical use. At least they had something, though. It would help them start looking. There was no change in the patients, and Jennifer decided it would be best to get herself some sleep. Then she realized she would have to walk through the hallways alone and decided it was better to help herself to an empty infirmary bed. Only a few hours ago, Mr. Woolsey himself had ordered everyone to be sure they were always in a group when they went places. The people who were injured were always alone. Ronon had probably figured he could take whoever the invisible attacker was and disobeyed the order.

Jennifer knew better, so she decided to stay in the infirmary.

She slept well enough, and the night passed without incident. As did the entire next day, although the four people in the infirmary remained comatose despite the fact that none of them were that badly injured. Jennifer was still stumped. It was as though something in their brains had simply turned off and she wasn't sure how to turn it back on. Everyone on the base was on the lookout for the intruder. They travelled in groups of three and searched the entire city. They found nothing. Before long, people began to suspect it was an inside job and suddenly no one trusted each other. The base was dissolving into chaos and the situation was only going to get worse unless they got a lead of some sort. Radek and Rodney were at each other's throats, and Colonel Sheppard looked at everyone, even Teyla, askance. Teyla had, in return, locked Torren, Kanaan, and herself in their room and wouldn't come out for fear of someone hurting Torren.

Jennifer's team was helping her again, and they were scrutinizing chemical samples from all their patients and trying to determine what it was that was wrong. Night came and went, and still, nothing happened. Everyone was getting increasingly grouchy from lack of sleep and stress. Jennifer was worried about how much tensions would rise before everything was resolved. Not much, she hoped, because they needed to work together as much as possible.

When yet another day passed without anything happening, Jennifer grew concerned. There was no logical explanation other than one of their own people being the attacker. The only reason she could work out that nothing had happened was that whoever had been attacking people was being kept in check by the fact that everyone had to stay in a team. The thought was comforting as well as disheartening. It meant it probably wasn't some unknown entity, which would make it easier to handle once they figured out who was to blame. On the other hand, it meant it was going to be very difficult to place the blame.

The night after the third day without a mishap, Jennifer decided it was safe to go back to her room on her own this once. Everyone was with someone else and it was still early enough that people were milling about. Plus, she really, really needed a good night's sleep if she was going to be any help at all. She told Mark she was going back to her room as soon as he arrived to take over the night shift.

"Are you sure that's wise, Dr. Keller?"

Jennifer decided to ignore the fact he called her Dr. Keller yet again. "Yes, I think it's fine. My room is right down the hall, after all."

Mark looked at her for a moment, considering. Then he nodded and got to work. Jennifer thanked him and gathered her belongings she had been using to make the infirmary more livable.

Sure enough, there were plenty of people in the hallway. As she neared her room, a panicked-looking young man ran up to her. She didn't recognize him, but he looked military. "Oh, good, Dr. Keller. Sammy needs your help real bad! I was just coming to the infirmary…"

"Calm down, it's all right. Tell me what the problem is. To begin with, who is Sammy?"

"Lieutenant Samuels. We call 'im Sammy, though. He fell over a railing, and, oh! It's real bad." His face was twisted in a mixture of horror and panic.

Jennifer immediately snapped into doctor mode again. So, not another knifing, at least. "Take me to him."

The young man beckoned for her to follow and hurried around a corner. She hurried to catch up. When she rounded the corner, though, he had disappeared. In fact, the corridor was completely empty. Suspiciously, Jennifer started to turn around when she felt a tingling on her arm. She looked and saw a giant spider-like creature crawling along it. Her voice wouldn't cooperate to let her scream. She hated spiders more than anything in the entire universe. She shook her arm desperately but couldn't get it off. It started biting her viciously. Her vision blurred with tears at the fear and pain. She groped for something to use to get it off. Her hand hit something in her belt. Her knife! She grabbed it and sliced at the hideous creature with all her might. A brilliant surge of blue light blinded her and intense pain made her gasp. The world went black as she fell to the floor.


	8. I'm not who I was

_**8. I'M NOT WHO I WAS**_

"There's a good lass. Easy now."

Jennifer's head was swimming. She couldn't seem to open her eyes. Carson? No, that wasn't right. He couldn't hear her if she said it only in her head. She would say it again, out loud. Why wasn't her voice working? She should be hearing those thoughts outside her mind. Something was wrong. She tried to sit up, but none of her muscles cooperated and all she did was move her head slightly. Now she was feeling slightly panicked. Why wasn't her body working? Where was she? Why couldn't she remember anything?

Pain. She remembered pain. And a bright light.

Was she blind? A tiny whimper made its way out of her throat. She could feel a strong hand gripping her arm.

"Jennifer, love, calm down. You're going to be all right. You need to trust me. Can you hear me?"

Jennifer was able to get her head to move slightly in affirmation.

"Lovely. Do you remember anything?"

Her head fell to the side when she tried to shake it "no." Carson gently lifted it back to the pillow. What was he doing here, anyway? He was supposed to be helping the villagers on some other planet.

Once again, Jennifer tried to open her eyes to see what was going on, but still all she could see was darkness.

Carson took her hand and very softly stroked it with his thumb. "Can you feel that?"

She tried to nod again, but this time only her eyebrows moved slightly. She could hear the smile in Carson's voice when he said "Good. That's much better, then."

Better than what?

What in the world had happened to her?

The last thing she remembered was…no. Her head hurt when she tried to remember. The only thing she could remember was the light. And the pain. Was there anything before the light and the pain?

Of course there was. There was Carson. Otherwise she wouldn't know him and where he had been before.

Nothing else seemed to exist, though. Light, pain, and Carson. Rodney. There was Rodney too. At least, the name was there, but she couldn't remember him.

The strain of trying to remember was too much and her head suddenly exploded with pain and she thought she could see the blindingly bright light again. She groaned.

"Jennifer?" Carson's grip tightened on her hand.

"Is she all right?" Another soft voice joined Carson's.

"I don't know, Mr. Woolsey. I just don't know. For some reason she was hit much harder than the others. Maybe it was the timing, the location, I just don't know. She's strong. I'm sure she'll pull through."

"I sure hope she does. She's the best doctor we have. Excepting yourself, of course, Doctor Beckett."

"Right. I promise I'll do whatever I can to get her through it. Just remember that the damage was pretty severe. I don't know how permanent it's going to be."

"I know, Doctor. I know you're doing your best. Keep me informed."

"Right."

The voices were hurting Jennifer's ears. She was glad when they stopped. That's right. She was a doctor, too. She had been helping some people who were hurt. They were better than her. That's what Carson had said. Good. Whatever was wrong with her, she would not wish on anyone else.

"Are you in any pain, Jennifer?" Carson sounded tired. Jennifer wondered if he had been sleeping. Wait, he had asked her a question. Pain? She wasn't sure. Everything felt…wrong. There was some pain when she tried to think. That she knew. She lifted her eyebrows again as affirmation.

"Oh, dear. I'm sorry. Let me give you some painkillers in your IV. That should do a bit o' good."

She heard him bustling about and it didn't take long for the medicine to kick in. The pain was gone, but she felt lightheaded and fell asleep again quickly.

The next time she awoke, there were several hushed voices around her. Her muscles still weren't cooperating, though. She groaned softly, since it seemed to be the only sound she could make.

"Jennifer?"

Rodney. It's good to hear your voice. What happened to me?

She wished he could hear her thoughts.

"How are you feeling?" His voice sounded strained with tiredness and something else…fear? He was afraid of something? Her? No, not her. He was afraid she wasn't okay.

She wanted to answer, but all she could do was move her head slightly from side to side.

"Not well, then, I take it." He sounded deflated.

"Hey, Jennifer, good to have you back." Ronon was here too. She was glad he was okay. Why wasn't she okay? What happened?

She moved the corners of her mouth ever so slightly to smile at him.

He put a big, calloused hand on her shoulder. "It's hard at first, I know, but it gets better. Don't worry."

Gets better? How long until it gets better?

"All right, everyone, visiting's over. Let the lady be."

Carson was back.

"Aww, come on, she just woke up," Rodney whined.

"Aye, but I have to do some tests and I'd rather not have you in my way."

"Fine. Come on Ronon, Lorne."

Lorne? Major Lorne? He was there too? Why didn't he say anything to her? Was he still mad at her?

Why was he mad at her? She couldn't remember.

She really wished someone would tell her what happened.

Carson seemed to hear her desperate thoughts.

"Are you up for an explanation? I'm sure you're wondering what happened."

Jennifer forced the small smile again.

"Do you remember what was going on before you ended up here?"

There was something…people were injured, that she remembered. Someone was attacking them. Had they attacked her too? She nodded slightly.

"Right. Well, it turns out there was no intruder. Not a biological one, at least. An rogue electromagnetic entity entered the base sometime last week and used the radio channels to get control of parts of people's minds. It was only able to affect certain people. It seems to have been completely random; it had no preference for who it controlled. It wasn't very strong, either. When it got an opening, it lured a person away with a vision and manifested itself as a hologram. It was a convincing hologram, though, because it had control of sensory portions of the brain and the victim could feel, see, and hear the entity as a physical object. The victim would invariably panic, draw a knife, and attack the hologram. The problem was, because the entity had no physical presence, the knife his solid air and sliced straight into the victim's skin. The spike in pain sensors in the brain caused the entity to short-circuit, overloading the person's brain and essentially shutting off portions of the cerebral cortex, particularly sensory and muscular portions. We couldn't see this in the security cameras because, as soon as the entity presented itself, it let off an electrical frequency that shorted out the cameras briefly. So, basically, a computer took over your brain and made you attack yourself. We don't know why, but Rodney was able to isolate the entity and flush it out onto an uninhabited planet. The attack is over, but the recovery is, unfortunately, only beginning."

Jennifer tried to process all that information. It made her head hurt. She had done this to herself? That was hard to believe. Yet, it made sense. Her only remaining question was why it hit her so much worse. And whether she'd be able to control her body ever again.

"You should also know that Rodney is working night and day for a solution that will jump start the portions of your brain that were shut off. He thinks that a controlled electrical impulse will revive the overloaded parts and allow them to function normally again. The others gradually regained their mental functions, but for some reason your brain doesn't want to come back online. Rodney says he's close, though, so if you can be patient just a little bit longer everything will turn out all right."

Jennifer appreciated his trying to reassure her, but she knew what he wasn't telling her. An electrical impulse had to be perfectly placed and controlled or it would kill her. Simple as that. There was a 50% chance she wouldn't survive the treatment, though this wasn't much of a life anyway. She could feel a tear rolling down her cheek. Why had this happened? Everything was going so well, too. What would they tell her dad? Not the truth, since he wasn't supposed to know any of this. No wonder Rodney sounded so miserable. He'd told her before he didn't know what he would do if he lost her. She felt guilty, for some reason. Like it was her fault she might die. It kind of was, but it was really just a freak accident. She shouldn't feel guilty.

"It'll be all right, Jennifer." Carson said softly. He'd noticed she was crying. "You're not in any pain, are you?"

She gave a barely perceivable shake of her head. Thinking had gotten much easier and the pain had all but disappeared.

"You don't have to do the procedure if you don't want to, you know."

She shook her head again. She was doing the procedure. There was no way she wanted to live like a vegetable the rest of her life. She would have done the procedure even if there were only a 10% survival rate.

Carson squeezed her hand. "I thought you'd say that. Rodney thinks he'll have it done by tomorrow. Do you want to go through with it then, or wait a bit?"

Jennifer wasn't sure if she should nod or not…she couldn't well answer an either/or question. Carson realized her dilemma.

"Sorry, lass. Do you want to go ahead with it tomorrow if Rodney finishes?"

Jennifer nodded. The sooner the better.

"Right, then, you'd better get some rest. You have a big day tomorrow." He started to leave but she forced her hand to tighten, ever so slightly, on his.

He sat back down. "You want me to stay?"

She nodded again, pleading him inwardly not to leave her alone with her thoughts. "Well, I suppose I don't have anything important to do anyway."

Jennifer couldn't get herself to fall back asleep. She was desperately frightened...easily more frightened than she had ever been before.

Hours later, she heard Carson snoring beside her. She suspected it was sometime in the middle of the night. All she could do was lie there and think. She couldn't see, couldn't talk, couldn't move. It was torture, but whatever happened tomorrow, she wouldn't have to endure it very long.

In some ways, she didn't mind the situation. It gave her a chance to think and pray, something she didn't often get to do. Getting right with God before she died seemed like a good thing to do. What she had told Major Lorne on the balcony weeks ago was still true: she had no regrets. It was just sad that she wouldn't get to have more experiences like this; even though they were often scary, they gave her a life that felt full and complete. She wouldn't trade it for the world. She wouldn't even trade it if it meant getting to live to old age. She did wish she could see her dad one last time, though.

A soft sound broke into her thoughts.

Footsteps.

Someone was coming. Jennifer fought momentary panic. There wasn't much she could do about it, anyway.

She heard a chair scrape softly on the floor. Then a hand slipped under hers.

"Hey, Jennifer." In spite of everything, Jennifer's heart skipped a beat. Major Lorne.

"I know you're probably asleep and can't hear me, but I thought I should come talk to you anyway, in case…um, well, I guess you know. I'm not very good with words, so if you are awake, you'll have to bear with me."

Jennifer could almost see his embarrassed grin in her mind's eye.

"I, uh, well, I guess I mostly wanted to say sorry, for making you cry a few weeks ago. I didn't know it would hurt you. I really should have apologized sooner, but, well, I guess life got in the way... And, um, I don't blame you, for dating Rodney. I think you two are good for each other. I really do."

Jennifer was sure that if she were able to, she'd be gaping at him in astonishment. This was not where she had expected this to go.

"You know, people always wait to tell each other how they really feel until it's time to say goodbye. I don't know why we do that. I wish we didn't. There'd be a lot less pain in the world if people could be honest with each other."

He barked a short laugh.

"Anyway, I guess what I mean to say is, I care deeply for you, Jennifer, and I have ever since that day we met in the chapel. You're a wonderful lady and I admire you. A lot. I wish I had half your heart for God and people."

His voice sounded strained, like he was fighting tears. "I don't know what to say. I guess I just assumed I'd have a lifetime to tell you, even after you and Rodney…."

He cleared his throat.

"Well, anyway. I'll be praying hard tomorrow. You can be sure of that. And, if you're listening, just know that I don't want you to change anything if everything goes well. If you love Rodney, don't leave him for my sake. Do what you think is best for _you_. I just thought you should know."

She heard him stand. His hand gently brushed a strand of her hair back from her face.

"Bye, Jennifer."


	9. Whispers in the dark

_**9. WHISPERS IN THE DARK**_

Because she had nothing to lose and because she realized she might never get another chance, Jennifer summoned all the willpower she had and forced her fingers to curl, ever so slightly, and barely close around Evan's hand, still under hers on the hospital bed. She felt him freeze in place for a split second, then he sank back into the chair from which he'd been rising.

"Jennifer? You can hear me?"

Again, Jennifer forced her body to obey her commands and gave a barely perceptible nod and what she hoped looked like a smile. She suspected it looked more like a wince, but it was the best she could do.

Major Lorne took her hand in both of his. "I'm afraid I sort of ran out of things to say. I'll probably be really embarrassed about this whole thing come tomorrow after you're out of the procedure, but..."

He trailed off, probably aware that his statement about her surviving the procedure could be perceived as false hope. Jennifer appreciated it, though, and tried to tighten her fingers briefly to reassure him. She really wished she could see his face, just one last time.

"I should probably let you rest."

_This could be my last night alive. You really think I want to spend it sleeping?_ It was probably good she couldn't talk; she had a feeling she would have sounded condecending had those words been spoken aloud.

"I suppose it's not that easy to sleep, though, huh? I always hate sleeping in the infirmary."

Jennifer was glad the man picked up on things quickly.

"Um, so, do you want me to stay and talk to you for a while?"

Jennifer tried to nod. Her eyebrows moved a little.

"I don't want to wake Dr. Beckett up. He hasn't been getting a whole lotta sleep lately. I'll talk quietly. What do you want to talk about?"

_Just think of something. Tell me about yourself. I don't care. Make me forget I might die tomorrow._

"Uh, let's see. I could tell you a little about myself. I've had a pretty boring life. Well, you know, other than working in a different galaxy and travelling all over space. Before that, I grew up in a little town in Kentucky, just me and my sister and my parents. My mom was - is - an art teacher at the town school. My dad worked at a local autorepair shop. I'm being really boring, I know. My sister's a couple years older than me. Her name's Janet. She's got a couple of young kids; I love doin' stuff with 'em. You know, like, playing football and teaching 'em how to swim and stuff. I haven't gotten to see Janet or her family for two whole years now, and I miss them a lot. The boys must be so big by now...ten and seven years old, if I remember correctly. How'm I doing?"

Jennifer appreciated his concern and found his awkwardness endearing, but she wished he'd stop asking questions. Every tiny movement took an enrmous amount of energy. This time she couldn't get her fingers to move, so she settled for a slight eyebrow raise and hoped it was sufficient.

"What else can I tell you? My dad was former military, and I grew up expecting to join once I was old enough. My mom convinced me I was too smart to enlist, but mostly I think she thought I'd stay safer if I went to the Air Force Academy. She was probably right, on the latter point at least."

He laughed softly, obviously remembering something from his youth. "She always worried about me, but never let herself admit it. My dad, too, I think. Anyway, I went to the AFA and managed to get through all my classes, though I never felt like I was all that smart. I was a great pilot, though. I lived for the days we had flight training. Every time I got in one of those cockpits, or even just the flight simulators, I felt so _free_. I loved - and still love - being up there in God's great big blue sky." Evan sighed. "I miss those days, you know. Those carefree days of college. My piloting skill was the only reason I did so well in college. I didn't get very good grades in my other classes. I think I enjoyed being out of my house a little too much...I didn't study a whole lot. But, when I graduated (finally!), some recruiter came to meet me privately and told me I had just the sort of skill set they were looking for in a very special assignment they weren't able to tell me about. I accepted, of course. You don't turn down your first assignment after you graduate, not if you want to get anywhere in your career. You can imagine my surprise when I discoverd my first assignment would be babysitting some geologers...on another planet." He laughed again. "It was a little much for me. Especially when the aliens started attacking us. But, I learned quickly and had some good CO's to help me throught. I got good enough that they transferred me to Atlantis and, as they say, the rest is history. Sorry. I bet that was a really boring story, but it's the best I've got."

By that point, Jennifer had started falling back asleep. The emotional stress she was under was wearing her out more quickly than physical stress ever could. Evan noticed her change in breathing and quietly stood. "I'll let you sleep for real now."

In the haze of pre-sleep, the last thing Jennifer was aware of was Major Lorne squeezing her hand and sofly kissing her forehead.

"Sleep well and wake better."

...

_**A/N: **__So, that's all I've got. Sorry for ending the story at the climax, but I ran out of inspiration. If I ever get over my year-long writer's block for this story, I do hope to finish it, but I haven't the slightest clue where to go from here. I even toyed with the idea of having Jennifer die in the procedure, just for the sake of closure. :/ Also, I'm a bit worried about the flow of the story in the past couple chapters...I did a lot of splicing and rewriting and I'm not sure if it all still makes sense. If someone catches something weird, let me know and I'll fix it. I'm sure I'll do another revision before too much longer. :)_


End file.
